Table of Contents
 
Praise
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Foreword
Introduction
 
PART 1
Hello, Cruel Me
Hello, Cruel Bullies
Hello, Cruel Desire
 
PART 2
Hello, Cruel Quick-Start Guide
I. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE
II. TALK TO YOUR PAL
III. SEE A DOCTOR, THERAPIST, OR ALTERNATIVE HEALER
IV. CALL THE POLICE OR EMERGENCY SERVICES
V. CALL SOMEONE WHO TAUGHT YOU SOMETHING YOU’LL
ALWAYS TREASURE
VI. GET TO A MEETING!
VII. CONNECT WITH PEOPLE ONLINE
Are You Still a Mess?
THE CATCH
THE MEAN REDS
BONUS BRAIN TEASER PAGE!

HELLO, CRUEL SCALE OF FEELINGS
YOU CAN TELL THEM THE DEVIL MADE YOU DO IT
Alternatives to Suicide
KEY
INDEX OF ALTERNATIVES
KEEP MOVING.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TOUCH YOURSELF.
KILL SOME TIME INSTEAD.
TREAT YOURSELF LIKE AN HONORED GUEST.
FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST.
JUST SAY NO.
TRASH YOUR PREFERENCE FILES AND REBOOT.
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
MAKE LONGER-RANGE PLANS.
RANT, RAVE, BITCH, AND MOAN.
TELL A LIE.
SEND OUT A DISTRESS SIGNAL.
ASK FOR HELP.
RUN AWAY AND HIDE.
RUN A DIAGNOSTIC PROGRAM.
FIND OUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
17
MAKE ‘EM LAUGH.
MAKE ART OUT OF IT.
SELL THE STUFF YOU MAKE.
DEAL WITH THE DEAD AND GONE.
MOISTURIZE!
SEE YOURSELF IN EVERYONE YOU MEET.
SAVETHEWHALES, THE CHILDREN, OR THE WORLD.
EXPERIMENT ON ANIMALS AND SMALL CHILDREN.
JOIN A GROUP THAT WANTS YOU AS A MEMBER, OR
START YOUR OWN GROUP.
GIVE ’EM THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION.
PLAY A GAME YOU LIKE TO PLAY.
GET OUT THERE AND BE A STAR!

GET OUT THERE AND BE AN EXTRA!
GET OUT THERE AND BE AN EX.
STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET TO WORK.
SING FOR YOUR SUPPER.
DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE.
KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS.
(OKAY, NOT REALLY.)
KEEP MOVING ON.
CAST A SPELL.
MAKE A WISH.
MAKE BELIEVE.
MAKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
ACT YOUR AGE OR ANY OTHER.
ACT YOUR GENDER OR ANY OTHER.
USE THE WRONG TOOL FOR THE JOB.
COME OUT, COME OUT, WHATEVER YOU ARE.
FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
FIND A FRIEND.
FIND YOUR TRIBE.
FIND A GOD WHO BELIEVES IN YOU.
BE YOUR OWN HERO/INE.
BE YOUR OWN EVIL TWIN.
BECOME A MORE FRIGHTENING MONSTER THAN THE
ONE THEY THINK YOU ARE.
BE CUTE OR BE DASHING.
BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.
BE ORGASMICALLY CELIBATE.
GET LAID. PLEASE.
SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
SERVE SOMEBODY.
EROTICIZE THE PAIN.
BAKE A CAKE.
EAT IT ALL AND KEEP IT DOWN.
STAY IN BED.
TRAVEL AND HAVE ADVENTURES.
GO ON A QUEST.

GO SHOPPING.
GO STEALTH.
GO FOR IT AGAINST ALL ODDS.
GO COMPLETELY BATTY.
GO ON A SERIAL SUICIDE SPREE.
GET A MAKEOVER.
GEEK OUT.
GIVE UP NOUNS FOR A DAY.
MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF IN THE WORLD.
FRAME YOUR OWN DEBATE.
USE ANOTHER WORD FOR HELLO.
LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE OF LOVE.
FLIRT WITH DEATH.
MAKE IT BLEED.
TAKE DRUGS. NO, REALLY. TAKE DRUGS.
GET CLEAN OR SOBER, STAY DIRTY OR DRUNK.
STARVE YOURSELF.
PLAY MUSICAL ADDICTIONS.
PLEAD INSANITY.
DEFY PROPHECY.
THROW AWAY MORALS.
IGNORE THE GOLDEN RULE.
QUOTE SCRIPTURE FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES.
WRITE YOUR OWN CODE OF HONOR.
SHATTER SOME FAMILY VALUES.
BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN LAUGHTER.
BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN PARADOX.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY.
BRING ON GOLIATH.
SPEAK WITH YOUR EARS.
PLAY TO A BROADER AUDIENCE.
TAKE A VOW OF SILENCE.
TAKE A WALK IN THE WOODS.
LEARN MODERATION IN ALL THINGS.
MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH DEATH.
TIDY YOUR CAMPSITE BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

101. TRY TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE ALIVE.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

BONUS!

ABOUT SEVEN STORIES PRESS

Praise for Hello Cruel World

“A don’t-hurt guide for anyone who’s been tempted to give in to despair.”

—Time Out New York

“With a mix of personal anecdotes, mythic stories, motivational speeches,

practical tidbits and subversive suggestions, Bornstein makes good use of

her life experience and literary acumen.”

—San Francisco Chronicle

“[Bornstein] shares nearly 60 years of her own strategies and struggles to

stay alive in order to make it a little less difficult for the rest of us.”

—San Francisco Bay Guardian, Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore

“Bornstein somehow manages to be earnest, caring, brutally honest, and

incredibly thoughtful all at once. You’ll want to keep extra copies of this

one on the shelf to give away to friends in need.”

—Bitch Magazine

“Ultimately, Bornstein is offering up an entirely new world-view for the

living. From finding a new way to say hello to finding the love of your life,

this is a hopeful, compassionate, kind, yet ass-kicking book.”

—Rachel Kramer Bussel

“Read it, dig it, then make sure to leave it where your sister can find it.”

—Venus Zine

“Give this book to someone you love, or to someone you’re afraid of losing

(even if it’s yourself). Hello, Cruel World will do no less than save lives.”

—T Cooper, author of Lipshitz Six, or Two Angry Blondes

“A sassy and smart how-to book for all those who want to love life, even

when it betrays, disappoints, and otherwise acts unworthy of your heart.”

—Peggy Phelan, the Ann O’Day Maples Chair in the Arts and professor of

drama and English, Stanford University

For my daughter, Jessica, and her children. Just in case any of you need this

one day.

For my mom, Mildred Vandam Bornstein, who passed out of this world

eleven years ago. Mom, you should now be approaching the age that you

might want to read and use this book.

For all outsiders, freaks, misfits, nerds, geeks, queers, and outlaws. Please

stay alive. We need you in this world to keep things interesting.

In loving memory of Jake Barker (1980-2002). Honey, I’m so sorry I didn’t

get this to you in time. Wherever you are these days, I hope you and life are

on much better terms.

Acknowledgments

The longer you manage to live, the more people there are who have

contributed to the quality of your life. In order to make more space for the

actual book, I’ve had to limit these acknowledgments to those people

who’ve most directly influenced this book.

To Barbara Carrellas, my partner in life, love, and art. Thank you for

balancing my study of gender with your study of sex; my love of

sadomasochism with your love of tantra; and my love of pussy with your

love of pug.

Thanks go to friends, family, extended family, and early readers: Caitlin

Sullivan, Kaylynn Raschke, John Emigh, David Harrison, Ava Apple, Jack

Barker, Ann Pancake, Alan Bornstein, Roz Kaveney, Mary Dorman, Amy

Scholder, Veronica Vera, Tony Phillips, Marsha Botzer, T. Cooper, Aidan

Key, Holly Hughes, Esther Newton, Gail and Betsey Leondar-Wright, Troy

Dwyer, Gail Harris, Gayle Landers, and Marsian De Lellis.

You’re able to read this book thanks to the courage, persistence, and

dedication of my editor at Seven Stories Press, Crystal Yakacki; my

publisher, Dan Simon; and my literary agent, Malaga Baldi. Thank you all

for believing in this project. Thanks, too, to my trusty ward and sidekick,

Erin Markey, for keeping me organized. Thank you to Jon Gilbert and

Phoebe Hwang for translating my rough layout sketches into something

truly beautiful and functional.

I wrote a lot of this book in the woods of eastern Long Island in the sweet

home of Lynn Birks and Judith Wit. I wrote the bulk of the 101 Alternatives

in two Hell’s Kitchen Starbucks, where the baristas made me feel right at

home and where T-Mobile kept me connected to the Web. I wrote on a

succession of Apple PowerBooks, using OS X. I used OmniOutliner Pro for

my notes and outlines, and Microsoft Word for the actual writing as well as

for the rough layout and early design of the book. I’m grateful to Scott

Kelby for his workshops, tips, and how-to books that taught me how to do

diddle all the images in this book in Adobe Photo-shop. I’m also grateful to

Dover Publications for their permission to use their images. And to Ron and

Joe of Art Parts for their generous permission to use over twenty of their

images. Thank you also to Snaggy and Nitrozac of geekculture.com for the

lovely geek toon, and to Diane DiMassa for the use of her Hothead Paisan

art.

There were times during the writing of this book when I found myself

deep in despair. That’s when I watched all seven seasons of Buffy, The

Vampire Slayer (twice), and all the episodes of Firefly (three times, once

with the commentaries turned on). So, thanks to Joss Whedon and to the

casts and crews of those TV shows. I also re-read the ten volumes of my

favorite graphic novel: The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman. And I kept my

spirits up with the awe-some Jamaican cooking of renowned neighborhood

chef, Colin Drysdale.

I’m deeply grateful to Julia Ritchie, my life coach and therapist, for the

insights she has given me. Thank you, Dr. Rona Vail at the Callen-Lorde

Clinic in New York for my good health, and thank you Judy Reilly for

untangling my financial records so I could go on writing. Thank you, dear

Edward Maloney for a decade of really great hair. And thank you Dona Ann

McAdams for making me look so good in all the photos you’ve taken of me

over the past twenty years, especially my author photo for this book.

Thanks to Craig Dean, Ellie Deegan, Katya Min, and Felicia Gustin, who

book my speaking and performance gigs. I’ve received encouragement and

support from literally thousands of students, faculty, staff, and

administrators in over one hundred colleges, universities, conferences, and

high schools where I’ve had the honor and great pleasure to speak and

perform.

Gone from this world are sweet Goose, the pug, as is my beloved cranky

old Gwydyn, whose ashes now rest on the floor of the Ngorongoro Crater

where he can chase zebras to his heart’s delight. It’s taken two pugs, two

cats, two turtles, and a well-populated ant farm to make up the loss of you,

pal.

Foreword

My grandmother was rumored to have told my mother that, if she let us

continue to pick out our own clothes (brown snow-suits) and cut our own

hair (mullets) and pierce our ears (only the right ear), my sister Tegan and I

would turn into “lesbians.” She was right, sort of.

I don’t think it was my mother’s support of our color-blind preferences in

outerwear or the androgynous haircuts in elementary school that turned us

into lesbians. But her patient, supportive parenting did leave me feeling

fairly confident upon my arrival at the threshold of adolescence. Having

outgrown our childhood nicknames for one another (“Brother”), Tegan and

I transitioned somewhat successfully into junior high and a world of

shoplifting, hand jobs, and drive-bys.

Still, junior high was hell on earth for me. Instead of fighting my way to

the top echelons of popularity, I was happy playing make-believe games

like “Jail” and “Orphanage” in the basement with my best friend. I was

totally unprepared to face the emotional cannibalism of my bullies. At the

insecure and irrational age of fourteen, turning to the administration of my

school for any sort of help or support would have seemed a ridiculous and

potentially dangerous effort. Forced to take refuge in many bathroom stalls,

I planned my sick days months in advance.

It was at this point in my life that I realized almost everyone I knew was

suffering. Terrible stories of sexual abuse, assault, and neglect by parents,

teachers, and the system were so common I lost track of what had happened

to whom. No adult or authority figure was prepared to take responsibility

for the kids who challenged the system in any way. In the low-income

neighborhoods where I grew up, out of control teen gangs were allowed and

almost encouraged to run wild. Rather than looking at the symptoms and

addressing the problems, the administration expelled these struggles right

out into the street. It seemed like no one was even paying attention. I had

friends who successfully made it to the tenth grade without ever learning

how to read!

I know that the struggles I had in my teen years pale in comparison to

some. Most of my friends made it out with scratches and bruises. But since

then I have seen too many of those survivors fast-track it to jail, poverty,

and drug addiction. What didn’t get them in high school seemed to catch up

to them later on in life. A narrow escape does not atone for a missing

foundation of positive self-esteem and coping skills. What Kate Bornstein

calls “Bully Culture” extends far beyond the halls of junior high: the

struggle of youth as a social outlaw is the struggle of a lifetime.

What I deeply respect about Hello, Cruel World is that by standing

shoulder to shoulder with marginalized and oppressed teens, Kate looks

straight into the eyes of the bullies who seem to outnumber us and shows us

how to successfully take a stand against them. Instead of a text heavy on

statistics and psychological jargon, Kate bravely uses humor to collapse the

wall of isolation and shame that is often associated with suicide (and with

being a teenager). I take strength from this confident, honest book and from

Kate’s success as a compassionate human being who has courageously

spoken out for all of us living outside of the box. We are being offered

alternatives and insight from an ally who has been there and survived. This

“verbal eye contact” is revolutionary and can be life-changing. Meet Kate’s

kind, steady gaze in this book: it is a sure-fire alternative to suicide, and I

hope anyone in trouble will give it a try.

—Sara Quin

of Tegan and Sara

March 2006

Introduction

Hi, I’m Kate Bornstein.

I’m nearly sixty years old, and a lot of people think I’m a freak for a lot

of reasons. I wrote this book to help you stay alive because I think the

world needs more kind people in it, no matter who or what they are, or do.

The world is healthier because of its outsiders and outlaws and freaks and

queers and sinners. I fall neatly into all of those categories, so it’s no big

deal to me if you do or don’t.

This is not a book of reasons not to kill yourself. No matter how many I

could come up with, you’ll come up with more reasons to go through with

it. This is a book about things to do instead.

I’ve had a lot of reasons to kill myself, and a lot of time to do it in, and I

have stayed alive by doing a lot of things that are considered immoral or

illegal. I’m glad I did them all because I’ve really enjoyed writing this

book. This may be a scary time for you, and if that’s so, I hope that I can

help you find your courage again. If we meet some day, let me know what

worked.

PART 1

Hello, Cruel Me

Today could be the last day of your life. Whether or not you’re thinking of

killing yourself, you could die at any moment.

Still here?

Excellent! That’s called staying alive.

Considering that these could very well be the last few moments of your life,

why are you spending such precious time reading this book?

003

And just who am I, trying to creep inside your head and talk to you about

staying alive? You have every right to know more about me. So, here’s me

coming out to you: My name is Kate Bornstein, and I’m a transsexual.

Still here?

Excellent! That’s called being interested in life’s possibilities.

I’m not exactly a transsexual. A transsexual is a man who becomes a

woman, or a woman who becomes a man, and I’m not a man, and I’m not a

woman. I break too many rules of both those genders to be one or the other.

I transgress gender. You could call me transgressively gendered. You could

call me transgender. Me, I call myself a traveler.

I’m traveling through all sorts of identities, picking and choosing what

works and leaving the rest behind. I shift and change in order to make

staying alive more worthwhile. I shift and change in order to keep myself

from getting stuck someplace where I’d rather be dead, or might as well be.

Sometimes I’m aware of shifting my identity, and other times I shift

identities without even thinking about it, like a chameleon skillfully

morphing its colors and markings to accommodate an ever-changing

environment. They’re not multiple personalities, they’re all different ways

of expressing me in the world.

004

Are you exactly the same person today that you were seven years ago? That

day could have been the last day of your life, but it wasn’t. Does it seem to

you that you’re different than you were then? In point of fact, you are a

completely different person at this moment than you were even when you

began reading this book. On a submolecular level, nothing about your body

is in the same place as it was just a few moments ago. And then there’s

your heightened awareness that you really could be dead at any moment.

So, are you the same person? I’m not saying you’re not. I’m just asking: do

you ever consider what it is that makes you the same person now as you

were ten minutes ago, when so much of you is truly different?

Still here? Are you sure? Just kidding. That’s called coming to terms with

life through a synthesis of postmodern theory and Zen Buddhism.

I was a boy who didn’t want to be a boy, and in the either/or, gotta-be-one-

thing-or-another modernist world of the 1950s, the only alternative to boy

was girl, which I wasn’t allowed to be. No one talked about the possibility

of being neither. So I worked real hard at being a boy. It was something I

was conscious of doing all the time. I watched other boys and did what they

did. I did what all the ads and movies and school textbooks told me that

boys do.

005

I watched for what to do right. I needed other people to validate my effort

to be real. It was important that they saw me as one of them. I don’t think I

ever pulled it off. Their kind of realness seemed always to be out of reach.

These days, I’m trying less and less to be a real anything but the real me,

whatever that ends up being.

Have you ever pretended to be another kind of person so that someone

would like you better, or maybe so they wouldn’t hurt you? Have you ever

changed the kind of person you were in order to make people believe you

were somehow more real? How did you ensure that you were looking and

behaving within acceptable social parameters?

Everyone consciously or unconsciously changes who they are in response

to their environment or to some relationship that they are negotiating at any

given moment. Every life form does that. It’s a kind of phenotypic

plasticity, an observable biological theory that says more or less that all life

forms evolve according to their surroundings. They shift and change what

they are so that their identity doesn’t wind up causing their death and/or

eventual extinction as a species.

Elephants stomping around in the polar regions of our planet evolved into

woolly mammoths in response to the bone-deep cold. Their tropical

ancestors in Africa and India retained their sun-resistant easier-to-cool

nearly hairless gray hides. Life forms evolve not only over thousands of

years, but sometimes over the course of just one lifetime. Some life forms

can evolve in a little over a few minutes. Humans do that. Our spirits and

brains seem to have the kind of genetic RAM and processing speed that it

takes to shift identities on the spot, the way a chameleon shifts color.

Sometimes we use costumes to change who we are, sometimes we use

drugs and alcohol. We admire people who can shift identities well and

seemingly with few or no props: Robin Williams, Carol Burnett, John

Belushi. They shuffle identities as effortlessly as a good poker player

shuffles a deck of cards.

We don’t learn to shift identities for purely whimsical reasons, or because

we’re bored or want to entertain people. It’s something we do in order to

survive. The ability to control who and what we are or seem to be in the

world is a life skill we learn through practice, just like any other life skill.

Have you been practicing?

006

The less consciously we evolve our identities—who we are and how we’re

seen in the world—the better the chances are that one day we’re going to

wake up and not know where we are or how we got there. The skills that

used to work for us will have stopped working. Our identities always stop

working for us at some point. Why? Because the world around us is

moving forward in time. Standards of cultural identities change depending

on generation, degree of multiculturalism, and who’s sitting in the White

House. Identities in culture behave like software in an operating system:

you have to keep an eye on what version you’re using, and update it

regularly, or you’ll crash badly.

People who are reactionary try to keep the world from changing, rather

than do the hard, but ultimately more realistic, work of changing

themselves. People who don’t see any way of changing themselves or the

world spend a lot of time wishing they were dead.

When we consciously evolve toward an identity that we can live with, life

becomes more of a game or a sport, like surfing. I’m not saying it’s an easy

or fun thing to do, just that it takes skill, it’s exciting, and it’s absolutely

worth the commitment and sacrifice.

Growing up, I got pretty good at being boy. But boy wasn’t an identity I

could live with. Boy wasn’t how I wanted to be treated, and boy was never

how I wanted to act. Boy never allowed me to truly express myself. Every

waking moment that I walked through the world as boy and man made me

feel like a liar and a phony. But after I went through with my gender

change, I found myself still living a life of working hard at being, only now

I was working hard at being girl. Nothing in the paradigm of my life

allowed for being neither. And the more I tried to be boy or girl, the less I

seemed to measure up to either, and the less I wanted to stay alive. It

finally got to the point where it just didn’t seem worth it any more. It came

down to this: should I kill myself or should I make myself a life worth

living? And it wasn’t so much the question that kept me alive or even my

answer. What kept me alive was the notion that it was me who was asking

the question.

Somewhere inside me there was a me that wanted to stay alive, whether I

knew that me yet or not. The possibility of that began to tip the scales

toward life. And then there was the fact that it was me and only me who

could actually answer the question of to be or not to be. I took that to mean

that if life had endowed me with the responsibility of wrestling with a

question like that, then it stood to reason that it had also given me some

means by which I could choose life over death with a minimum of

suffering. Somewhere inside me there was an identity I could live with that

would allow me to be both girl and boy—and neither to boot. The me I’m

being today is the result of that reasoning, and I’m having a pretty good

life. But that’s my life. Your life is a different story.

Try this: Imagine the world as a place where anyone can safely and even

joyfully express themselves the way they’ve always wanted to. Nothing

about the bodies they were born with or what they choose to do with those

bodies—how they dress them, or decorate, or trim, or augment them—

would get people laughed at, or targeted, or in any way deprived of their

rights. Can you imagine a world like that?

Stay with that image for a moment and envision yourself as the kind of

person who lives happily and contentedly in that world. What gives you

pleasure? What are the components of your identity that allow for that

pleasure? How many components of that envisioned identity can you put in

place in your real life in order to achieve real pleasure?

007

Envisioning the achievement of this kind of pleasure means that we need to

talk about and deal with that which enables it: our desire and our sexuality.

Sexuality is more than who we’re attracted to. It is more than what we like

to do in bed. It is a social identity. It is the way we experience the world

around us in a positive, life-affirming way.

Think about someone you’re attracted to—a movie star, or real person, or

someone out of a comic or game. Anyone. Even someone you’re not

supposed to be attracted to but are. Just imagine that the two of you like

each other in a really nice sort of way, and it makes you smile just to be

sitting next to that person.

Now, how do you feel compared to how you felt just a moment ago, before

you thought of the object of your affection? That’s how thinking about—

and coming to terms with—sexuality can help you want to go on living.

Try this advanced mode of the exercise you just did: Imagine sweet sex

with a really great person or persons, and it’s making both or all of you feel

great. Go on, think of the best sex you’ve ever thought of, even if you’ve

never had that kind of sex. Think about every kind of sex you can think of,

especially if you’re a virgin in any kind of sex and even if some people say

it’s not right for you to think about it.

Can you imagine being the kind of person who has that kind of sweet sex

and relationship? If you can imagine it, you are completely capable of

taking steps to realize it. It’s a matter of trusting someone enough to let

them know who you really are. Trust yourself first. You’ve managed to stay

alive for the last few pages of some pretty heavy stuff. You’ve trusted me to

more or less make sense of choosing life over death. That’s how you trust

other people. Just like that. Trust them to help you explore and understand

your desire and sexuality.

I’ve long wanted to give my sexuality a name so that I could better

understand it, and share it with other people. I tried to call myself a lesbian.

I love women. I always have. All the big loves of my life have been

women, including the three I’ve loved deeply enough to call my wife. I’ve

wed three women, but I’m not a lesbian. I would have sex with Christian

Slater, Johnny Depp, or David Duchovny in a New York minute. I just

don’t want a romantic relationship with any of them. Well, maybe Johnny

Depp. Does that make me bisexual? No, because the textbooks tell me that

bisexuals are men or women who love men and women, and that gets me

back to not being a man or a woman.

008

If you were in this picture, who would you be?

I’ve tried to explain my sexuality using the words sadomasochistic femme

bottom. Whoa! This is really easy to explain without having to warn you

about sexually explicit material coming up. Sadomasochistic means that

pain is something I can play with erotically, and that I enjoy playing safely,

sanely, and consensually with other people who like to play with pain

erotically. Femme means I like being girly, I like making butch women

smile, and it makes me happy when someone thinks I’m cute. And bottom

means that I like to be the one who’s taking the pain, not the one who gives

it. I’ve been an owned and collared slave, but I’ve also been a not-so-

successful professional dominatrix. Still, how can I really be a

sadomasochist when I enjoy plain old sweat-a-lot, laugh-a-lot, scream-a-lot

vanilla sex so much? Like everything else, understanding my sexuality is a

matter of having an appreciation for the ways in which my desire and

pleasure changes.

Right now, I’m having the time of my life being a tranny dyke. Goodness,

do you think I planned on that?

We all want an identity that makes life worth living. The good news is, you

get to decide what pleases you and makes you feel the most secure. You get

to decide which identity you are going to be or not be. It is up to you to

travel bravely through the nature of your own desire to a place where you

can take it or leave it. That’s a sweet place to be. You can explore the nature

of your desire through either sex or gender. How about a gender identity

that’s celibate, or that has sex with itself? Or sex with some deity? Have

you explored all the possibilities?

So . . . how would you name your sexuality? Are you gay or lesbian? Are

you heterosexual or bisexual? Are you monogamous? Polyamorous? Sex

positive? Something else entirely? How many ways of being have you

allowed yourself? Look, you’re not even the same person you were ten

minutes ago. None of us is. Are you straight? Only and forever? Are you

queer? Only and forever? We change our attitudes, our opinions, and our

relationships. We change our minds, our politics, our moods, our

sympathies and our clothing. We simply change.

The Serenity Prayer is all about change. We ask for the serenity to accept

the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and

the wisdom to know the difference. My third wife, Jackie, taught me that

one, bless her.

So, here, during what might be the last few moments of our lives, what do

we know about each other, you and me? The best I can say is: Hello. I’m

Kate Bornstein. I’m traveling.

And I can tell you this with certainty: You are worthy and capable of

finding a way to live your life just the way you really are. And there are

plenty of good people in the world who believe that a life like yours needs

to be lived. If you work at being as fully you as you can possibly be, you

will feel better.

And keep in mind that the you that makes life worth living today probably

won’t be the same you that makes life worth living this time next year.

Identities aren’t meant to be permanent. They’re like cars: they take us

from one place to another. We work, travel, and seek adventure in them

until they break down beyond repair. At that point, living well means

finding a new model that better suits us for a new moment.

I believe in the truth of you and so do a lot of other people, people you may

not even know yet. Whatever you’re being right now, wherever you’ve

been traveling, and whatever you might become tomorrow, I believe in you.

This book is a lot about learning how to give yourself permission to go on

living even when it really hurts. Right now you might be glad I’ve given

you permission. Eventually, you’ll no longer need anyone’s but your own.

Permission to do what? Permission to take yet another stab at putting

together the kind of identity that makes you feel that you’re being true to

yourself and that life is worth living. Go ahead, give yourself permission to

become the kind of person you’ve always dreamed you could be.

Hello, Cruel Bullies

Bullies can make life miserable. And I’m not just talking about kids,

because bullies don’t stop being bullies once they’ve grown up, they just

get more sophisticated. The very act of reading this book is brave and

transgressive in part because most systems we’ve developed as a culture to

classify ourselves—systems like sexuality, gender, race, class, and age—are

not typically questioned all that much. Those in political power these days

actively discourage questions that challenge their bully culture. But they

don’t hesitate to ask some pretty scary questions of their own about who we

are as citizens of the world at the start of the twenty-first century.

Are you a terrorist, or aren’t you? Do you support terrorist

activities, or don’t you?

And the most deeply probing question of our time:

Are you with us, or against us?

If trying to answer these questions makes you feel at all uncomfortable,

you’re in good company. These questions are designed to make you feel

uncomfortable. They are designed to make you not want to be the complex

person that you are. Either/or questions are, for the most part, asked by

bullies or by those who’ve been beaten down by bullies and have joined

their ranks.

That’s why George W. Bush continues to ask the question, “Are you with us

or against us?” The United States has become a real bully in the world, and

Bush is the archetypal American bully asking bully questions that aren’t

really questions at all. Either/or questions—every single one of them—are

another way of saying, “It’s my way or the highway.”

Many either/or questions seem reasonable.

Are you drunk or sober?

Are you young or old?

Are you black or white?

Are you a man or a woman?

Are you happy or sad?

Do you want to kill yourself or keep yourself alive?

One or the other. Simple. You don’t need to think about it. You don’t need

to use your imagination, because the question itself dictates your only

options.

In 1996, poet and activist Minnie Bruce Pratt addressed the Out-Write

Conference of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Writers with this

chiding observation:

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

I have this idea that naming ourselves beyond the either/or just might be the

first step in freeing ourselves from the thralldom in which we’re held by so

many oppressive institutions.

I have this idea that those of us who question any aspect of our identities . .

those of us who are asking ourselves, “Who am I, really?”

those of us who don’t quite fit in, whether we can fool others about

that or not . . .

I think we ought to be able to name ourselves, apart from the troublesome

either/or language of the institutions that oppress us.

And I have this idea that whatever we name ourselves had better not play

into the hands of those oppressive institutions, those institutions that insist

we’re this or that, one or the other, young or old, black or white, queer or

straight, virgin or whore, hawk or dove, gendered or transgender.

I have this idea that every time we discover that the names we’re being

called are somehow keeping us less than free, we need to come up with new

names for ourselves, and that the names we give ourselves must no longer

reflect a fear of being labeled outsiders, must no longer bind us to a system

that would rather see us dead.

Outsiders should call themselves outsiders, and we are mostly all outsiders

in this world, so we should welcome one another’s company.

Are you good or evil, male or female, black or white, rich or poor? Are you

cool or are you a geek? Are you fat or skinny? Are you a God-fearing

Christian or are you a servant of the Devil?

Can we begin to question the bully questions? Can we begin to question our

slavery to an archaic, oppressive system? Can we call ourselves more than

either/or?

If those of us who are still searching to discover who we are can’t call

ourselves more than either/or, who will?

If those of us who are struggling to discover the true nature of our love—

and how we can freely express our love in the world—can’t call ourselves

more than either/or, who will?

And what about those of us who are still trying to figure out who we wanna

be when we grow up? And those of us who are working to discover how we

might fit into, and help heal, our world? If we don’t call ourselves more

than either/or, who will?

Neither/nor has become an increasingly present and visible identity in

today’s world. Those of us who are living it are faced with the life challenge

of coming out of one closet or another and calling ourselves neither/nor

whenever we safely can. Which is a hell of a lot easier said than done.

Because of bullies, it’s a lot easier to stay in a closet. It’s a lot easier to shut

ourselves down or eat a lot or eat nothing at all or cut on ourselves or take

drugs. Because of bullies, we think about escaping or even getting even.

Because of bullies—people who insist that we be one thing or another—

their way or the highway—we think we might be better off dead.

It takes a great deal of work to discover a good reason to go on living

within assigned identities that seem only to send us on a downward spiral

towards death. One reason to go on living could certainly be to find out who

else we might be, to free ourselves of identities we’ve been assigned by

someone else—identities based on their standards, not our own. It is

possible to break free of identities that are keeping you down. People who

get stuck in underdog or outsider positions in life become great escape

artists. That’s me. I am positively slippery. How about you?

Most everyone defines most everyone else by their own standards, with

little or no thought to the preferences and realities of the person they’re

defining. I do that. I call most all of us transgressively gendered. Everyone

I’ve ever met either transgresses the rules of gender they’ve been brought

up with, or they’ve at least had the impulse to do so. I’m not saying we’re

all cross-dressers or transsexuals or drag queens or drag kings or she-males

or he/shes. I’m just saying that each of us tends to break some rule of

gender. Are you defining someone else by your standards? Is someone

doing that to you?

Here in the eye of America’s über-culture, gender is chiefly used to signal

our desire or power. So gender transgression is a red flag to bullies. Race,

class, religion, and age are other signals of desire and power so they’re also

bully magnets, but gender is as good a place as any to examine how to deal

with bullies. Look, do you mind that I’m talking so much about gender? It’s

what I know. It’s something that you and I have in common: neither you nor

I live up to being a perfect man or a perfect women. Right? Okay, with that

in mind, let’s take a look at . . .

A BRIEF HISTORY OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE BUCKED THE

BULLY SYSTEM OF GENDER

Let’s start with the early feminists of nineteenth-century America. The

women who first said, “No!” The women who said, “My body and my mind

don’t belong to you, mister, or to anyone else.” Those women said, “I won’t

be a woman the way you want me to be a woman.” I have this idea that

those women broke a lot of rules of gender in their day. Those feminists

transgressed gender rules. They transgressed gender. They were

transgender. People were mean to them because of that.

In the minds of the institutions that oppressed them, they were no longer

real women. They needed to band themselves together under some flag, so

they called themselves the Women’s Movement.

their imaginations were in thrall to the institutions that oppressed

them.

Well, they weren’t men, and it would have been terrifying to call

themselves anything other than women. They were terrified to label

themselves outsiders. But, in the simple act of calling themselves women,

they named themselves after the system that had oppressed them for so

long. It seems, in Minnie Bruce Pratt’s words, that The next chapter of

gender activism was written by the early gay rights activists. They tackled

the law of gender that says loud and clear, “Real men love women, real

women love men.” “No we don’t!” cried the homosexuals.

And these pioneers transgressed a deeply rooted rule of gender. Lesbians

and gays transgressed gender. Lesbians and gays are transgender. And they

needed to band themselves together under some flag.

But it’s a terrifying thing to say, “Hey, I’m a man who loves men, so maybe

I’m not a real man!”

And it’s a terrifying thing to say, “I’m a woman who loves women, and so

what if I’m not a real woman!”

People were even meaner about that kind of talk back in the late nineteenth

and twentieth centuries than they are today. It was difficult enough to say

the lesbian and gay stuff, and in most areas of the world, it still is. No one

was ready to hear not-man, not-woman. So they called themselves lesbian

women and gay men, and they said things like, “We’re just like you.”

They named themselves after the system that had oppressed them for such a

long time. By the simple act of naming themselves women and men, it

seems, in Minnie Bruce Pratt’s words, that

their imaginations were in thrall to the institutions that oppressed

them.

Next up on the march of gender liberation was the Bisexual Movement, and

these folks really shook things up. These bisexual folks came along and

said:

Gender’s got nothing to do with romance.

Gender’s got nothing to do with sexual preference.

Gender’s got nothing to do with love.

That shook everyone up, you betcha.

But they needed to band themselves together under some flag, and since it

was terrifying enough to say that their love is mutable, they called

themselves bisexual women and bisexual men. They named themselves

after the system that had oppressed them for such a long time. By the

simple act of naming themselves bisexual men and women, it seems, in

Minnie Bruce Pratt’s words, that

their imaginations were in thrall to the institutions that oppressed

them.

And that brings us closer to present-day gender transgressive politics.

Nowadays we’ve got transsexuals on the scene. Transsexuals and

transvestites and two-spirits and intersex and drag kings and drag queens

and he/shes and cross-dressers and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! And

we’re saying gender isn’t rigid—it’s fluid. We’re saying gender isn’t

permanent—it’s mutable. You can fuck with it. You can queer it up real

good.

But sure enough, we’re about to do the same damned thing. We’re

calling ourselves female-to-male and male-to-female. We’re male

cross-dressers, or female impersonators.

We needed to band ourselves together under some flag, and we have been

too terrified to call ourselves anything other than some sort of man or

woman.

And by the simple act of calling ourselves some sort of man or woman, it

seems, in Minnie Bruce Pratt’s words, that

our imaginations are in thrall to the institutions that oppress us.

We need to free our imaginations. We need to free ourselves from any

system that would oppress us, even the ones that most people believe are

“natural.”

I have been looking for nearly three decades to find something in the world

that’s a natural either/or, and I haven’t found a damned thing that doesn’t

have some shade of gray.

After considering the black-and-white assumptions we make about gender,

I’ve had to question the importance of being any kind of man or woman.

Now here’s the hard part, the part that’s going to sound like I’m

contradicting myself, but please bear with me. It’s what I do.

Most of us in the world are men or women. I mean, duh! At least that’s

what we are in the eyes of the law. When the bullies come after us, they’re

going to separate us into men and women, and that’s what we’ll be in the

eyes of the people carrying the guns and the billy sticks. No matter what we

claim ourselves to be, we get herded into one place or another: the boys’

locker room or the girls’ locker room, the ladies’ room or the gentlemen’s

room, the men’s prison or the women’s prison. No matter which side wins

the “war on terror,” gender outlaws will remain outsiders.

And what’s that got to do with you? Well, most everyone who steps outside

an either/or cultural law will become and remain an outsider or an

underdog. Are you breaking some either/or cultural law, just by being who

you are? If so, you’re not alone. All the world’s great civil rights

movements have sought to harmlessly break some cultural bully standard.

And all the outlaws who survived those civil rights movements have

learned an important lesson. We understand that we can be outsiders and be

miserable about it, or we can be outsiders and enjoy the fuck out of

ourselves until we’re old and weird and happy just being our geeky, freaky,

outlaw selves. Understanding that is how we stay alive in a world that

doesn’t like who or what we are, what we look like, who we love, or how

we act.

The eyes of those who would make us one or the other don’t have to be our

eyes. You don’t have to look at the world the way you’re told to look at the

world. People who refuse to see beyond freak or geek or queer or bitch or

nigger or kike or Muslim or fat or poor or crippled are wrong to do that.

You don’t have to look at yourself with their eyes. Ever.

Their voices don’t need to be our voices. If someone is telling a lie, whether

it’s about you or anything else, you’ve got every right to call it a lie. You

don’t have to believe in or repeat any lies that you’ve been told. And just

because the president of the United States mispronounces nuclear, it

doesn’t mean you have to. Claiming your own voice and language can be

your best line of defense against any bully culture and any government that

practices a politic of domination and exclusion. You are entitled to live

bully-free and in a healthier political climate than that. It’s possible.

Those of us who insist we’re neither/nor are the oddballs and the outsiders

in an either/or world. We have our individual outsider struggles. We fight

our own unique fights, maintain our own unique cultures, all the while

knowing we’re fighting side by side with other outsiders, underdogs, and

outcasts, all of us together. How about you?

What either/or standard are you refusing to buy into? Is there some my-

way-or-the-highway choice you’re having difficulty reconciling with your

health or happiness? How can you rid yourself of an identity assigned to

you by someone who’s got the power to enforce the assignment?

How did those of us who want to be more than either/or end up with the

short end of the stick when it comes to the free expression of our harmless

desires? And how can we find some common ground . . . even among

ourselves?

I think we can start simply and effectively by following the path laid out by

the founders of the United States of America when they created this country

in response to what they perceived to be intolerable cruelty and oppression.

They were seeking their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME DEATH

I’m going to open this next section by quoting the Declaration of

Independence of the United States of America. I’ll close by quoting the

King James edition of the Bible. I figure that between the Declaration of

Independence, the Bible, and our hearts—yours and mine—we ought to

find some common ground.

Now, it would seem at first glance that life and liberty are a lot more

important than happiness, especially after the terrorist attacks on the United

States and the terrifying government that has established itself here in the

name of national defense. But in my understanding of life, the highest

quality of life, the entire purpose of liberty and perhaps what each and

every human being on the planet has in common, is indeed the pursuit of

happiness. So, it’s happiness I’m going to talk about.

Two hundred years after the founding of this country, why are those of us

who don’t fit into some either/or told that our pursuit of happiness doesn’t

count? Are we going to continue nit-picking over exactly which happiness

is legal and important, and which happiness is illegal and unimportant?

Who has the right to say whose happiness is right? It all comes down to the

mythology we grew up with.

Some of us have never felt included or welcome in whatever system of

belief was bullying us, even the one that we were a part of. Some of us were

forced to seek out mythologies that sang to us from the popular culture in

the voices of movie stars or television characters. We have looked for myths

that include us in great novels, music, the latest comic book, or even some

stupid advertising campaign. We’ll look anywhere for a mythology that

embraces people like ourselves.

But even with our wildly different mythologies, one thing most of us can

agree on is that we’d like to make some wild, glorious, mind-blowing love

with someone who is our dream-come-true lover or lovers. Can’t we agree

on that? We want a little romance. We want to walk through the park on a

spring day, holding hands. Most all of us would like something along those

lines.

Well, that’s one area of happiness all of us, all the wildly different outsiders

we are, can start to agree on then, isn’t it? We can agree on that. Okay, so

then when did we stop agreeing to simply have a lovely day? When did we

first run into a social institution that oppressed us?

I’d say it was back in junior high school, and I’d say we need to inspect

more closely the time when most of us first stopped ourselves from

pursuing happiness as we had once defined it.

I wanna do a little check-in here. Did you think that junior high was

absolutely the best time of your life? Ask around. Not too many people feel

that way.

When it comes to making sense of our lives and finding a reason

behind living or dying, there’s no end to the things we can choose to

believe in. On this continent alone, some of us grew up Christian,

some of us Jewish, and some Unitarian. Some of us were raised

Buddhist, some Quaker, or Muslim, Hindu, or Wiccan. Some of us

were even raised Scientologist. Many of us have been taught that

our own mythology is the right, or only, one. This makes

coexistence way tougher than it needs to be. Mythologies with more

power than others to enforce their beliefs bully the world and make

it difficult, or nearly impossible, to live differently from their

traditions and from their ideas of purity and righteousness. Ideally,

nobody would wanna impose their beliefs on anyone—we would

just try to prevent meanness and preserve everyone’s right to pursue

happiness.

025

If you were in this picture, who would you be? No biggie, I’m just curious.

Who makes up the student population of junior high school? Kids whose

hormones are raging and whose bodies are changing, and that’s signaling

that they’re becoming men and women. But the culture says that won’t

happen for another decade or so, so they’re not yet men and women, but

they’re too old to be called kids. In this way, youth itself is a type of

neither/nor, and therefore outlaw, identity.

We throw all these no-longer-children, but not-yet-men and not-yet-

women, into a social situation with each other where they’re supposed to

learn things, but the things they want to learn are:

How can I be popular?

What do I do about the crush I’ve got on her?

What can I do about the strange way he makes me feel attractive?

How can I keep myself from getting laughed at?

Why can’t I be more like them?

Why don’t they like me?

Here’s a factoid for you. I heard it on ABC’s Nightline. It seems that each

and every school day of the year an average of 166,000 children stay home

from school to avoid being bullied. Ouch! And more and more kids are

turning to violence on themselves or others. There are those class freaks

who, after years of being bullied, ignored, left out, and humiliated, react

violently and with the same mean spirit with which they’ve been treated.

Outsiders fought back violently and inexcusably, for example, in

Columbine High School and Thurston High School, the Pentagon and the

World Trade Center. By leaving no options for an outsider in the world, a

bully culture engineers its own destruction.

026

027

So, how do we care for kids? All kids? How do we help them with what

they really wanna learn? We don’t. We tell them what time of day they need

to be in a certain seat. We teach them about the world the textbook

publishers would like us to believe we live in, with no mention of the kids

who grew up and never fit in. We give them strict either/or’s to conform to,

and punish them when they don’t or can’t. And when the door closes after

they leave our classrooms, we hope to whatever god or goddess we believe

in that they won’t kill each other. Thankfully, most kids don’t.

As kids, most of us didn’t kill the class freaks.

But, we developed something equally effective:

We knew how to make the class freaks want to kill themselves.

028

If the kids being picked on have the strength to withstand the stares, the

laughter, the cruel pranks, the harassment, the beatings, or the rape, if those

kids live, they very likely will learn how to make themselves invisible. Like

the gay kid or lesbian kid, the stoner, the Muslim, or the radical lefty.

Sometimes they can hide. Hiding successfully, covering up what could get

you called freak, that’s called passing. Maybe that’s you?

And what about the kids who can’t hide?

What about the boy who wears a prayer cap, or the girl who wears a

religious head scarf to school? Or the kid whose family can’t afford the

latest fad in sneakers, or the only black or brown kid in class? What about

the boy who wants to be Britney Spears, the girl who doesn’t fit in the latest

style of size two jeans, or the boy who starves himself so that he can? How

about the too-tall or too-short kid, or the nerdy kid with geek glasses? Is

there something about you that you can’t hide?

What’re we gonna do about all the kids that the culture labels oddballs?

Because they’re always gonna be there, pushing the borders of what’s

acceptable, pushing the culture to grow and test itself.

029

Remember the culture that all those hormonally crazed kids adopted? The

one that says be like us, be just like us, or we’ll drive you to suicide? Do we

really think that’s the best way to deal with people? Do we think that’s a

healthy social dynamic to foster? I’m going to guess you’re saying, no, no .

. . I don’t want a world like that. If you’ve already managed to survive

elementary school, junior high, and high school, I’m going to guess you’re

very glad you’re out of there.

Well then, so what if a kid wants to learn Klingon as a third language?

Who’s to say that’s not a cool thing to do? Damn, I own two Star Trek

uniforms, and I make ’em look good!

And so what if a girl gets a crew cut and lets her chin hair grow? Who’s to

say that’s not what she needs to do to survive in the world with some pride

and integrity?

030

So what if a kid speaks with an accent, worships another God, and enjoys

different kinds of music and food and dance? What happened to their right

to pursue happiness?

Sure, we’re different. Sure, some of us are weird and freaky. There are more

and more visibly weird and freaky people in the world these days, and it’s

high time we stop carrying forward the junior high school dynamic of

excluding them all from our lives or worse . . . nailing them to some cross.

I think it’s brave of you to be sitting here, reading this book, even if you’re

reading for an extra credit assignment or because your therapist costs too

much and someone talked you into trying this book. Hey, there are less

terrifying ways to get extra credit and therapy. But why do you suppose that

this is unusually brave of you unless we as a culture are still operating on

the social dynamics we developed in junior high school?

That junior high dynamic is dependent in part on believing that outsiders,

people like me, for example, are evil or godless, or that we’re unpatriotic, or

in need of a cure or salvation. Am I, do you think? Does someone think that

way about you? That’s called oppression.

One institution of oppression that each and every one of us can actively

dismantle each and every day of our lives is the system we developed for

ourselves back when we were no longer kids, but not yet men or women.

The junior high dynamic may in fact be a cornerstone of many of the

institutions that oppress us. So, how do we begin to dismantle it? The Bible

says it better than I ever could:

031

Some high school students objected to my using a quote that lumped all

childish ways into a category that must be done away with. To clarify things

so that they work out nicely for everyone, I don’t think we need to put aside

all our childish ways . . . just the mean ones. I think it’s time for all of us to

put away the childish things that don’t work in the lives of kind, generous

adults. I think we need to find alternatives to saying, or even thinking,

childish things like, “Hey Faggot, Hey Cunt, Hey Nigger . . .” I think we

need to find alternatives to saying, or even just thinking, childish things

like, “You’re too fat to be on our side,” or too ugly, or too poor, or too Arab

. . . I think we need to find alternatives to saying, or even just thinking,

childish things like, “You’re either with us, or you’re against us . . .”

032

I think, instead, we should try something like this: “Excuse me . . . I hope

I’m not interrupting,” and only when we’ve determined that we’re truly not

interrupting someone or intruding on their privacy, do we proceed to ask, “I

find you fascinating and so different from me. Might I ask you what your

life’s been like? I think we could learn something from each other.”

How about that for putting aside childish ways that no longer work in the

lives of kind, generous, inclusive adults? Isn’t that easy?

We’ve been doing politics by exclusion in this country. Politics by us-

versus-them. We do politics by exclusion in our schools and on our college

and university campuses. We do politics by exclusion on a national and

international level, and in corporate America.

033

Politics by exclusion may have had some value in the early days of our

country, just like us-versus-them had some value in our childhoods—it gave

us the illusion that we weren’t outsiders, that we actually belonged to

something. But the sense of belonging to something exclusive has got to

change because we can no longer afford to keep people on the outside of

things.

This growing-up nation we’re part of is a whole lot bigger than it was a

little over two hundred years ago, and part of the responsibility of being

grown-up and bigger is giving a helping hand to all of those who still don’t

quite fit in, including those of us who don’t fit in because our pursuit of

happiness is two, or three, or seven bubbles left of center. I am saying that

everyone would benefit from a change in the dynamic that oppresses us all

in one way or another. I am asking you to do something, anything, every

day to change the way we as a culture have been dealing with difference.

034

Changing our cruel, childish dynamic is not anything that can be legislated.

A new, inclusive, and compassionate politic must be lived by more and

more people every day, free from the institutions that would enthrall them.

It’s got to start with each and every one of us. We need to include in our

loving, caring, generous, and compassionate lives people who share our

loving, caring, generous, and compassionate values, no matter their race or

politics or religion, no matter their gender or sexuality. We need to work on

behalf of everyone who’s being oppressed by a system we bought into as

children and never bothered to change.

Are you queer or straight?

Are you black or white?

Are you a man or a woman?

Look, I want to be a good and better person every day of my life. I want to

be the best possible me I can be. I want to live in a world where people

won’t try to hurt me for trying to achieve happiness the best way I’ve found

to do so. I assume that other people want that, too. You want to be a good

and better person. I believe that. So, let’s put aside the mean ways of doing

things that we developed because, for some reason or other, we couldn’t see

that there were other options.

We can begin by celebrating difference. Let’s stop hiding difference away

where we don’t have to look at it or think about it. Let’s stop teasing,

attacking, or bombing the hell out of difference just because it’s not like us.

Let’s stop “tolerating” or “accepting” difference, as if we’re so much better

for not being different. Instead, let’s celebrate difference, because in this

world it takes a lot of guts to be different and to act differently. Exactly how

we celebrate difference is for each of us to discover. But any political

movement we support must be one that truly celebrates difference. That’s

how we start to put an end to the bully culture that’s spreading across this

country and the world at such an alarming rate.

Okay, now we’ve got some questions to raise. Are we men or women?

Black or white, old or young, straight or queer, flag-waving patriots or

traitors to our nation?

And who’s been insisting that we be men or women, black or white, old or

young, straight or queer, flag-waving patriots or traitors to our nation?

Can we implicate the people who are insisting we be either/or? Can we

name some names? Can we get the truth out in the open? The truth about

this social illness that starts as a way to cope in junior high, and turns into

America’s bully culture? More importantly, can we be more than the

either/or the bullies want us to be? Can we be both/and?

035

Look, there is more and more rock-hard evidence to prove that any either/or

system by which we attempt to categorize people is a product of our

imaginations. There is more and more evidence to prove that binary

systems of classification exist only in our minds.

Here’s a good challenge for you: free your imagination from the institutions

that enthrall you. And when you’ve finished doing that, go help some other

people free theirs.

As outsiders in junior high, we never dreamed of questioning people who

asked us are we one thing or another, are we with them or against them. But

all that’s changed now. You get to dream and live yourself a good life

starting today.

036

Hello, Cruel Desire

What you desire exists just above or beyond you, and it always will. That’s

why it’s called desire. Desire is yearning for something you don’t have.

Desire is wanting. What is it that you want?

Chasing your desire is like chasing perfection: you find joy in coming as

close as you possibly can, and then you try all over again. If you’re lucky,

this delightfully insatiable chase ensures your quality of life until the day

that you die.

Desire is drive and motion. It can bring urgency, spontaneity, and purpose

to life. It is in making a move toward realizing something that you want—

even and especially if it’s not for yourself—that you give yourself a reason

to go on living.

You get a taste of something you want, and you want more. There’s nothing

wrong with that. Hell, there’s nothing better. Our desires are signposts to

living a better life.

Desire can be for anything or anyone, or for nothing you can put a label on.

Desire can be for sex. Have you ever had a sexual desire? Then you know

what it means to want. So, what kind of sex do you want?

Well? Did you feel a change in your own energy when you came up with an

answer to that question? Did anything tingle? That’s called erotic energy.

It’s your body’s way of telling you where to look for pleasure and

fulfillment. Where do you want to focus all that great erotic energy that’s

been simmering inside you? Have you had a great orgasm recently? Ever?

Have you helped someone else have a great orgasm recently? Ever?

Have you ever wanted the kind of sex that could get you in trouble?

How did your body respond when you answered that question? Sex gets

everyone into trouble. Everyone. But that doesn’t mean sex is a bad thing.

A lot of very good people think with great longing about the kind of sex

that could get them into a great deal of trouble. Desire—including, but not

limited to, sexual desire—makes life less worth living when we become too

attached to it, or when it is misused or abused, such as in the following

cases:

Desire gets us into trouble when we believe that having or not having

something will make us a better or worse person. That’s just not true. You

are a perfectly fine and whole person just the way you are. Being a better

person depends on your intentions to ease suffering for yourself and others.

Desire gets us into trouble when we’ve not yet spotted and named

specifically what it is we really want. So we end up wanting whatever

someone else tells us we should want. There’s a proverb that’s fitting here:

if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. I learned that one

at a corporate seminar. More of the corporate world should keep that in

mind, don’t you think? Naming our desires isn’t a one-time deal, though,

because our desires are always changing through circumstance, taste, and

the constant narrowing down of what it is we truly desire.

Desire gets us into trouble when people who have more power than we do

make us believe that wanting what we want is wrong, sick, bad, or evil.

Consequently, we come to believe that even if we don’t actively pursue our

desire, we are wrong, sick, bad, or evil just for wanting the object of our

desire. Just not true. Unless what you want means being mean to someone

else, there’s nothing you could want that’s wrong, sick, bad or evil. And if

what you want involves being mean to yourself, well, then you’ve got a

hard life ahead of you. You have some healing to do so that you can love

and be kind to yourself. But you are not wrong or bad or evil.

Desire gets us into trouble when we didn’t, don’t, can’t, or won’t get what we

want and that leaves us feeling sad, angry, jealous, greedy, stingy, hopeless,

scared, violent, abused, and/or abandoned. Buddhists believe that desire is

the cause of all suffering. Most of their religious teachings are all about how

to end suffering for all sentient beings everywhere. Yes, there’s a big

difference between the suffering that comes from not having or losing a toy

and the suffering that comes from not having or losing a parent or a friend.

However, it is the case that any unfulfilled desire may bring a great deal of

pain, sometimes enough pain to make you want to die. That kind of pain

always passes. Always. It’s not bottomless. It has an end. Everyone goes

through a time in their life when all there is to living is staying alive one

day at a time.

Desire gets us into trouble when getting what we want depends on

something bad happening to someone else. I’m going to assume that you

know well enough not to act on that kind of desire.

Try this one: Make a list of what you want. Put a check mark next to

the items on your list that could get you in trouble or have gotten

you into trouble. For each of those items, see which of the above

five factors apply.

I write postmodern sociopolitical theory about sex and gender. How about

that? I never intended to devote my life to the deconstruction of binaries.

Growing up, I just wanted to be pretty. That was my greatest, most mind-

consuming desire. My want was always with me. I was a fat, awkward,

nerdy teenage boy who wanted to be a thin, graceful, sexy teenage girl.

Everything about wanting that made me a bad, sicko pervert. And as trivial

as my desire might sound, the sheer impossibility of ever fulfilling my

desire was enough to make me think about killing myself. The irony is that

nothing about my desire was harmful to anyone else.

I was nearly forty years old when I finally realized that and began a long

journey to change my identity. I started with my body. I lost weight. I

worked out. I studied what it meant to be gracious and graceful, and I

practiced that as best I could, given the body I’ve got. I read every feminist

theory book I could get my hands on. I changed my physical body to female

as far as I could. And finally, during the past ten years or so, I’ve been

gradually giving myself permission to be sexy.

Let’s take a look at your desires, why you’ve got them, and what to do

about them when they are hurting you.

Being sexy and being ashamed of our sexual desires are not compatible

feelings. When I finally began to look at sex from a female point of view, I

had to deal with multiple layers of shame about my body, one at a time,

until I eventually crossed a line where I was more tickled when I looked in

the mirror than I was ashamed. My ability to enjoy life grew in direct

proportion to my unwillingness to believe and obey cultural, religious,

political, or legal restrictions to my harmless desires. I’m giving myself

permission to feel sexy.

What makes you feel sexy?

What would life be like if you felt more sexy than you feel right now?

What did your body feel like when you answered these questions?

Sex, gender, and desire are all things you can learn to manage in your life.

Your life is worth living if for no other reason than to learn how to selflessly

pursue your desires.

So . . . do you feel sexy?

Really, think about it. Do you?

Is feeling sexy important to you . . . or not? I’m saying either way is okay.

But when sexual desire is on an upswing in your life, there’s value in

knowing when it’s a good time to express how sexy you feel. It’s excellent

to know and to be able to judge for yourself when expressing your sexy self

might not be such a safe thing to do. It’s something you must learn how to

do in life—figure out how your desires fit in your day-to-day. I’m learning

how to put sexy into everything I do . . . with respect for where I am,

without scaring or intimidating whoever I’m with, because I want sexy to

be fun. So, given the history of my life, what does that make me now?

Am I a man?

Am I a woman?

Am I a postmodern theorist?

Am I something to be studied in a clinic?

Am I something to be laughed at on the street?

All I’ve done all my life is ask the questions that have fried my brain.

Asking these questions over and over again eventually helped me realize

that no one could answer them but me. That little epiphany made it possible

for me to give myself permission to walk in the world and express my

values, for the most part, the way I like to express them.

I’m giving myself permission to feel sexy, and it’s so much fun! I love

walking down the streets of New York City these days. I’m smiling at

people and people smile back. I’ve always wanted that. That’s how I’ve

wanted to walk in the world ever since I was a hippie boy who wanted to be

a hippie girl. And I’m caring less and less what people think they see when

they spot me. I used to scare people. I had a hell of a chip on my shoulder.

But I don’t get the jeers, not much anymore. I stop traffic now. Sometimes,

a lot really, I get this stare that says, “Oh my God, what are you?”

The way I’m living right now is the closest I’ve ever gotten to the

deities I finally found and managed to incorporate into my life: the

movie stars. When I was a kid, that meant Audrey Hepburn in

Breakfast at Tiffany’s . . . she was for delight, and Liza Minnelli in

Cabaret . . . she was for sexy. When I was a baby dyke, my total

heroine was Linda Hamilton in Terminator II. I went blonde on

account of Geena Davis in The Long Kiss Goodnight. These days,

I’ve got Goddesses for all the ages I’ve ever been. My younger

Goddesses include characters played by Angelina Jolie, Jewel

Staite, and Alyson Hannigan. And I’m into anime like Sailor Moon,

Ranma 1/2, and even Pokémon. I think love, sex and gender are like

Pokémon, and I want to catch ’em all!

But it’s not a mean stare, it’s not a stare of horror, because I know—I’ve

come to believe—that what they’re seeing when they see me is something

cute. And when they stare at me and their eyes say, “Oh my God, what are

you?” I smile at them, or sometimes I’ll give ’em a wink. When they stare

at me now, I say. “Hello, isn’t it a beautiful day?”

And one by one, they blink, and smile, and say, “Yes. Yes, it is.” It could be

pouring rain outside. Doesn’t matter. We’ve connected, and that makes it a

beautiful day.

I love connecting with people, and since I’m not a man and I’m not a

woman, I’ve had to find new ways to connect with people. I’ve been trying

to connect with you through this book. And I’ve been connecting with the

world by giving myself permission to be sexy, no matter what kind of

abomination that makes me in the eyes of someone else’s God. All my life,

I’ve never had a God that loved me for all my weird, harmless

eccentricities. How about you? If you indulged in all your fantasies, would

God still love you? Is that a problem? Does that make life hard to manage?

There are ways to deal with that.

There was no ready-made, off-the-rack religion that gave me a God to

believe in, not a freak like me. I was born into Judaism, and according to its

language of desire, I was an abomination. There were no answers in

Judaism anyway, only questions. Their holiest book, the Talmud, places

value on multiple interpretations of a single concept. The more ways you

could look at something, the wiser you would be.

Isn’t that great? That’s what I learned. That’s how I look at life. That’s how

I look at my gender. That’s how I look at my desire. I’ve been living

through multiple interpretations of some basic me, identity after identity

after identity. I want to know what it’s like to be what I’m attracted to. With

each successive incarnation, I get closer and closer. That’s how I use my

desire as a compass. I want to feel it in my body. That’s become the nature

of my desire. That’s my understanding of what others must mean when they

talk about the love of God. That’s what makes me feel holy and in a state of

grace.

When God says no to your harmless desires, it’s time to find another God.

The Gods and Goddesses who reflect your desire are out there, waiting for

you to knock at their temple doors. Each of us—sex and gender outlaws and

in-laws alike—must find our own spiritual path that lets us be sexy and

have fun on our own terms. We have every right to search for Gods and

Goddesses who live the way we ourselves would most love to live. You get

to choose a more welcoming, supportive deity, theology, philosophy, belief

system, hero/ine, friend, and/or role model. The greatest thing you can do

for yourself is to discover an ethical, blissful way to go on living your life.

One cornerstone in my quest for a spiritually realized sexy life is the

understanding that there will always be more ways to interpret my sexy,

fluidly gendered self. How about you? How many ways can you safely be

sexy? Or is that something you don’t think about very much? Maybe being

sexy is something you think about too much?

Nothing fuels desire more than its denial. Desires become all consuming to

the degree that we don’t explore them. The exploration of your desire does

not mean you have to indulge in it right this minute or ever. You can read

about what people have to say about your sexual desires. You can rent

movies. You can play role-playing games online. You can go to a meeting

of people who have desires similar to yours, or move to a town where they

have things like that.

When desire becomes the leading edge of your life, if only for a brief

moment, you have every right to explore it. And you have every right to

keep yourself safe, healthy, and free. That means you have every right to

say “NO” to your own or anyone else’s desires that might endanger you or

make you uncomfortable. You have every right to talk with someone you

trust about what’s going on, and if you have never done that, now would be

a good time to start talking or at least start looking for someone to talk with.

Exploring your desire all by yourself is brave but ultimately kind of dumb.

Like when I tried climbing a mountain in Colorado. I’d never had a lesson.

I was driving west, a nice Jewish boy like me. I got to the Rockies, and I

pulled my car over and started climbing. Brave, but ultimately kind of

dumb. I fell off the mountain, thirty feet down into a fluffy snowbank.

Lucky me. Find someone to talk with about your desires before you jump

into them.

A good starting place in the exploration of your sexual desire would be to

determine the kind of person or people you’re attracted to. Go on, give that

one a few moments’ reflection. What are some qualities, physical and

otherwise, of the people you are attracted to? And now the surprise twist:

what would it be like to be that kind of person yourself? I’m not talking

about changing your body, although that’s what I did to the extreme. Why

did I do this? Well, some people describe the journey from one gender to

another as the process by which people strive to make their bodies more

congruent with the gender they perceive themselves to be. I agree with that

one. That’s what I’ve tried to do.

The problem was, I never really knew what gender I perceived myself to be.

I knew what I wasn’t. I’ve always known what I wasn’t. I got messages

from my family, from the magazines I read, the television I watched, from

the schools I went to, the middle class I grew up in, and the white race I’ve

always seemed in North America to be, even though the rest of the world

would type my race as Jew. It all told me to be what I was not and what I

could never want to be. Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen!

Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, except everyone who’s ever been

made to think they’re not a real man.

Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, except everyone who’s ever been

made to think they’re not a real woman.

Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen, except everyone who’s ever been told

to be one thing when they are another thing entirely.

Have you ever tried to make your body more congruent with what you’ve

always felt yourself to be? Every culture and subculture has its own rules

for what’s a real man and what’s a real woman, and for what’s real desire

and what’s real sex. All I’m saying is we have a lot of work to do in order to

define for ourselves what qualifies as real. We must find out which rules

we’ve been breaking our spirits over trying to obey, and choose new rules

that are self-loving. Blind, unconscious obedience to this culture’s dream of

a good-or-bad system of sexual desire is killing a lot of us, and that’s no

way or reason to die. It’s the discovery of our individual desires beyond

good-or-bad that makes a decent quality of life conceivable. Rather than

killing ourselves, we could learn to kill off those parts of ourselves that are

harmful.

Each one of us constructs various identities and personalities that we use in

order to navigate our desires. Sometimes we don’t do a very good job of it,

and the identity we choose for ourselves—or the one that’s been forced on

us—just doesn’t work or hurts other people. Such an identity needs to go so

that we can continue our journey through the nature of our desire. The next

time you just wanna die, kill off the part of you that got you into trouble

instead and go on living as a whole new person. This is called the art of

selective serial suicide.

It’s how I try to consciously pick out all the stuff I don’t like about myself

and mark it for execution. It’s the me who’s mean, inconsiderate, greedy,

and selfish. Those are the parts of me I wanna kill off, and I’ve been doing

that consciously for nearly two decades. I’ve been killing off the parts of

myself that need to die and making lots of room for all the parts of me that

are beautiful and kind and life affirming.Do you do this already? Over the

years, I’ve learned that the urge to kill myself isn’t bad or wicked. It’s scary,

but it’s just a signpost. It takes a long time to hone yourself down to the you

that you’ve always believed you could be. For me, getting to the point of

becoming what I’m attracted to has meant over fifty years of savage self-

butchery.

Wouldn’t you know, this noir survival tactic is built right into human

biology in a little molecule called ubiquitin, your DNA’s paid informant. It

works sort of like this: The cells that make up our bodies are programmed

to go into degradation mode whenever they stop functioning well. They

eventually die and are replaced by new cells. But sometimes a cell in the

body is malfunctioning and evading the body’s natural degradation

procedure. Fuck you, says this little cell, I’m gonna live, and I don’t care

who I take down with me, and it goes into hiding so that the body’s natural

SWAT team can’t find and eliminate it. That’s when they call in ubiquitin.

As quick as you can say Judas Iscariot, ubiquitin locates the hidden part of

your body that needs to die, and—get this—kisses the fugitive cell, marking

it so that the execution easily follows. Blam! Your inner serial killer white

blood cells are keeping you alive.

This is a drawing of the molecule ubiquitin.

The next time you think you’d be better off dead than alive, please first look

carefully to find the part of you that needs to die so that you can go on

living. Ask yourself: Is there some identity you’ve constructed for yourself

that keeps leading you into living a life that’s not worth living? Are you

acting out an identity that’s been attracting the wrong sort of person into

your life? Are you walking around in an identity that’s gotten you

completely off the path of your desire and onto someone else’s path of

desire?

If that’s what’s going on and it’s enough to make you think about killing

yourself, then build yourself a better identity, one that can be safer and free

and enable you to have more fun. And if the you that needs to go refuses to

die, then call in whatever version of ubiquitin appeals to you and kill the

motherfucker. Use your favorite movie scene of sex and violence. Cast

yourself as the assassin or vampire or whatever. Make it yummy and fun for

both you and the you that you used to be. Give that death of yours some of

the glory that our culture awards to sex and violence. All your yummy dark

sexual proclivities are fine and dandy. You just need to do something

constructive with them. Then, wake up fresh as a daisy in the morning,

ready for a life of conscious love.

I think our answers to the question, Who am I? can be approached on this

path of conscious love, which is to say some combination of conscious

desire, sex, and gender. We can learn to be conscious by taking any path

we’ve previously been unconscious of: race, class, age . . . that whole

laundry list of isms. Once you’ve learned how to be conscious along one of

these paths, it’s easier to learn consciousness along the others. The

principles are transferable. I’m making a case for the paths of love, sex, and

gender because too few people do, and too many people make a case

against the serious study of our desire. And it is conscious desire and

conscious gender that make it possible for me to feel sexy these days. So

I’m wondering . . . I surely am a deeply flawed human being, but if I’m

being kind then . . .

Does it matter who I fuck or how I fuck them?

Does it matter if I’m a man or a woman?

Does it matter if right this minute I’m neither?

And I wonder, for you. . .

Does it matter to you what you are: a man or a woman?

Does it matter to you who you’re attracted to: men or women or

both or neither?

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing if any of this matters to you. It mattered to

me for a lot of my life. I’m just asking you to think about why it’s so

important. It gets down to some real basic questions:

Would you like to be able to safely show the world the you that you

most enjoy being?

Would you like to be the sexiest you that you can be?

Would you like to like your body and yourself?

I think the real work starts with questions like these. There are people

who’ve spent a great deal of their lives trying to find some answers. Your

challenge is to find the kind ones and welcome them into your life so you

can learn too, and to kindly pass your wisdom on to other folks. It takes

practice to lovingly express your desire and to graciously accept or pass on

someone else’s.

I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite Zen principles: the way you do

anything is the way you do everything. Everything you do is practice for

everything else that you do. So, if you have ever desired something,

anything—an ice cream cone or whatever—and then you made your own

wish come true, that means you’ve got the means to make larger and larger

wishes come true. Even the dreams you’re told are bad but you know are

harmless and wonderful. It takes practice, but you can make things happen

for yourself. Just try to be kind to people and to yourself, and if that’s too

difficult, then try not to hurt anyone. Dreaming up and realizing a good life

in a world that doesn’t want you to have one, hey . . . that’s good stuff, and

you can do it.

PART 2

Hello, Cruel Quick-Start Guide

The best minds and kindest hearts in our culture would likely agree that the

first seven options in this quick-start guide will help you to stop hurting so

much. So, please try these before you move on to the less orthodox options

listed in the 101 Alternatives to Suicide.

I’ve tried most of the following recommendations myself, and many of

them worked very well. Predictably, some of them weren’t the best choices

for me. One or two seemed to make things worse, but left no permanent ill

effect that I am aware of. Hands down, each of these steps is worth a shot

before deciding to end your life. If they are just what you needed, you can

read the rest of this book just for the funny parts.

If for any reason none of these more traditional alternatives sound right for

you, or if you’ve already tried them and they just plain don’t work and

you’re still on the razor’s edge of to be or not to be, then by all means,

move on to the rest of the book, which is neither proven nor condoned by

those who’ve studied suicide prevention.

I. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE

A suicide hotline’s job is to help you to feel better and live a little bit longer.

If a warm voice on the other end of the telephone sounds like it might offer

you some relief, then please give it a try.

II. TALK TO YOUR PAL

Do you know anyone you can talk to? Someone kind? Someone you love?

Someone who loves you? If you can call or go see someone like that, please

do! That, as they say, is what friends are for.

III. SEE A DOCTOR, THERAPIST, OR ALTERNATIVE

HEALER

If what’s going on with you is physical, then go see a doctor. If it’s not a

physical problem, give talking with a therapist or counselor a try. If a pill

once or twice a day will help you feel better about life and yourself, then

please, take the pill. I take mine.

In the case that the sight of you is enough to make men scream and

strong women weep, try a clinic that is friendlier to people like you. I’ve

always found clinic staff and doctors to be comforting and empowering.

They’ve mostly seen it all. As a bonus, a lot of clinics are starting to

provide alternative healing, which is great when Western medicine solutions

give you the creeps.

IV. CALL THE POLICE OR EMERGENCY SERVICES

If someone has hurt you, or is threatening to hurt you, please call 911.

There are also rape crisis centers, centers for battered youth, and other

emergency centers where you may find good people with the experience

and resources to help you out.

V. CALL SOMEONE WHO TAUGHT YOU SOMETHING

YOU’LL ALWAYS TREASURE

I’ve been lucky enough to have had guidance counselors, teachers,

professors, and even a couple of chaplains of several religions who’ve cared

enough about me to hold my hand through some pretty tough times. I’m

still friends with some of them after thirty or forty years. Is there a teacher

like that in your life?

Depending on their own personal moral code, or on local and state laws

where you live, a teacher or member of the clergy may or may not be

required to report your situation to someone authorized to know and help

you out. Ask them first if that’s the case, and make your decision

accordingly.

VI. GET TO A MEETING!

If you think you might have any sort of addiction, this would be a swell

time to get to a twelve-step meeting. Most of the time, the idea of going to a

meeting sets my teeth on edge, and makes me want to run screaming in the

other direction. But honestly, I don’t regret any twelve-step meeting I’ve

ever attended, and if you’ve got any kind of sobriety, you know I’m telling

the truth.

VII. CONNECT WITH PEOPLE ONLINE

If you don’t have your own Internet connection, find someone else’s you

can use. Your school, the public library, a friend, or an Internet café are all

possibilities that you might want to look into.

There are online peer chat rooms, forums, and bulletin boards where

people discuss the subject of killing themselves, or how other people are

killing themselves. There are websites and blogs dedicated to suicide

intervention. Someone out there is going to want to talk with you about this

and they may say just the right thing to make you feel better about yourself

and your life.

Are You Still a Mess?

Okay, it’s time to try the road less sanctioned.

I’m done trying to steer you toward socially-sanctioned methods of

stopping yourself from ending your life. If none of this has worked for you,

or if any of it sounded wrong or frightening, there are some options that

have not necessarily been sanctioned by therapists and medical doctors. I

have not studied the subject for years, but I’ve got the suicide survivor

equivalent of street smarts because I’m an outsider, and most of the

sanctioned solutions weren’t always available to me each time my life took

another giddy turn toward self-destruction.

THE CATCH

No single alternative I’ve found to killing myself has ever been enough to

keep me alive for longer than a year or so. From therapy and self-

affirmations to drugs and self-injury, it worked only for a while. Inevitably,

whatever I was doing would slowly or suddenly stop working, and I’d have

to move on to some other way to get back in touch with a good reason to

keep on going. Some of the methods I’ve used to stay alive have only

worked for a few hours, or a few minutes.

THE MEAN REDS

“Listen . . . you know those days when you get the mean reds? The blues

are because you’re getting fat, or because it’s been raining too long. You’re

just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and

you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? When I

get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to

Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away.”—MISS HOLLY GOLIGHTLY

When I was still a guy, I moved to New York, and at the first bout of the

mean reds, went right down to Tiffany’s and had breakfast by the window,

and sure enough, it worked! But that was years ago, and now Tiffany’s isn’t

as elegant as it was back when Mr. Capote wrote his novella. So maybe

instead of Tiffany’s, you can find yourself a lovely place or head space that

makes you feel completely safe and well-cared for.

Life is suffering.”

—The Buddha

BONUS BRAIN TEASER PAGE!

Here are a few of my favorite horrible things the mean reds have given me

to suffer through. How many do you suppose we have in common, you and

Those times when I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to tell it

all to.

Those times when I was lonely to the bone, but there was no one I felt safe

or comfortable enough to be with.

Those times when I was so physically sick and hurting that I couldn’t even

imagine getting better.

Those times when I was so depressed, or in such despair or terror, that I

couldn’t even imagine happiness.

Those times when I was full to the brim with tears, but I couldn’t cry even

though I wanted to.

Those times when I couldn’t stand what I was, and I didn’t know how I

could possibly be something else.

Those times when I could no longer stand living where I was living, but

there was nowhere else I particularly wanted to go, and no way to get there

anyhow.

Those times when I felt I couldn’t go on living with someone, but I couldn’t

imagine my life without them.

Those times when I felt terribly guilty, or just plain wrong, about doing

something, but I was sure I’d only feel worse if I stopped doing it.

Those times when I hated how I was being treated, but I didn’t see that

there was anything I could do about it.

Those times when I didn’t want to go on living any more, but it made me

even more depressed and immobilized to think about killing myself.

For me, staying alive through all that and more has come down to this:

1. I FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS THAT I’M FEELING.

I have to figure out where I am before I can figure out where to go, or how

to get there. Often, all I feel is BAD. From there, I have to figure out what

kind of BAD I’m feeling.

2. I CHOOSE A BETTER FEELING, AND PUT IT IN MOTION.

I’m not talking about finding a way to feel happy. I’m talking about finding

a way to feel better than the way you feel right now. Happy/sad is a binary

that mostly keeps us stuck in sad. We can’t seem to get happy except for

when we’re not looking for happiness, and the only other option seems to

be sad. So, in this step, I look for a feeling that is closer to happy than

where I am at the moment.

3. I FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NEXT, AND MAKE

PREPARATIONS.

What’s working for you now may not work for you after you’ve changed

something about yourself. It’s like needing a new version of software after a

system upgrade. I aim to begin my new way to feel better before my old one

stops working.

I do all of that over and over and over again. Ain’t life grand?

Keep doing whatever it is that’s working for you.

Over the course of your life, you’ve already worked out several ways to live

that make you want to live more. First, I’m going to invite you to do more

of that. What was the last thing you did that made life worth living? And if

that option is now gone, what were you doing to stay alive before that? And

before that?

Let’s take a little peek inside your heart. I’m going to bet that happy is a

long way away from where you are right now. But happy is a poor word for

someone who’s trying to live a rainbow-colored life in a black-and-white

world. Bad is another poor word to describe how you’re feeling. A large

part of learning how to enjoy life is learning how to identify your emotions,

and how to foster the particular ones that lead you toward joy.

So, what are you feeling right now?

What might be a better feeling you could aim for?

How about a better feeling you’ve actually got a prayer in hell of realizing?

On the next page, you’ll find a scale of feelings and emotions that will aid

you in naming what it is that you’re feeling. You’ll be able to scratch out

the words you disagree with and write in better words for yourself later, but

for now try to work with this list.

If you’re considering killing yourself, you’re probably going to be

somewhere on the right-hand side of the page. You want to lead yourself to

somewhere on the left-hand side of the page.

HELLO, CRUEL SCALE OF FEELINGS

1. Joy, wisdom

2. Love, freedom

3. Passion

4. Empowerment

5. Positive expectation, belief

6. Delight

7. Satisfaction, contentment

8. Appreciation

9. Optimism, cheerfulness

10. Hopefulness

11. Pessimism

12. Irritation

13. Frustration

14. Feeling overwhelmed

15. Disappointment

16. Doubt

17. Worry, the blues

18. Blame

19. Discouragement

20. Anger

21. Vengefulness

22. Rage, hatred

23. Jealousy

24. Guilt, shame

25. Uselessness

26. Grief, loneliness

27. Fear, terror, the mean reds

28. Depression, despair

29. Hopelessness, feeling trapped

How do you find where you might fall on the scale? Here’s a good way to

spot your current position:

Scan the list either from the bottom up or the top down, and stop when you

get to a word that describes what you’re feeling. Look at a few feelings

within the same group and choose the one that’s most descriptive of how

you feel.

If the first step is to locate yourself on the scale, the next is to choose a

feeling that is closer to joy. Much higher than the same group or the next

group up isn’t too likely to happen overnight. American culture is obsessed

with tackling things in leaps and bounds. Take little steps, please. You’ll

feel better. Steady baby steps will get you a lot more surely where you want

to go, with a great deal more satisfaction and self-confidence.

Have you picked out a feeling that’s better than the one you’ve got right

now?

Then, it’s time to determine a way to get there.

No one can tell you how you feel. No one. But, a kind soul can help

you to figure out for yourself how you feel. And because you’re the

only one who can know, it is pretty important that you do.

The meat and potatoes of this book is the list of 101 Alternatives to Suicide

designed to keep you from plummeting down the scale of emotions.

Using the index on pages 100-106, find and explore any of the 101

Alternatives that you think might help you feel a little bit better than you

are feeling right now. Each alternative is also ranked in a number of

categories to help you navigate the best ones for you. There’s no right or

wrong choice, I swear. If several alternatives look good to you, I suggest

you select the one that has the most hearts (which indicates it’s the safest

and most self-loving alternative) and sounds like the easiest, or most fun.

What’s a Positive Feeling, and What’s a Negative?

Pessimism might seem out of place well over half-way up the scale. But it

makes sense when you look at it closely. Despite their sour expectations,

pessimists are trying to get something done, and I’d say that’s healthier than

not trying at all.

And what about anger? I think anger is a whole lot more positive a feeling

than depression. I feel a lot healthier when I’m angry than when I’m

paralyzed in a deep funk. Other people around me might prefer me when

I’m not flying off the handle, but most folks who know me now appreciate

that my anger is a step up my own personal ladder to feeling better.

I hate being lonely, but loneliness would be a better feeling for me than, say,

hopelessness. To my way of thinking, anger and loneliness are a lot closer

to being free to live the kind of life that I’d want to stay alive in. To me,

motion toward freedom, joy, wisdom, and love would define what’s

positive. Accordingly, motion toward immobility, slavery, despair and death

define the negative.

YOU CAN TELL THEM THE DEVIL MADE YOU DO IT

Over the course of this book, I will be giving you permission to do anything

you want to do—anything at all—short of killing yourself. I don’t care if

it’s illegal, immoral, fattening, self-defeating, whatever. I’m going to say go

ahead, because I’ve done it myself. However, my permission is worthless if

you can’t give yourself permission. I’ll show you a couple of ways to give

yourself permission to do anything at all that you want to do, as long as it

isn’t mean to anyone.

Being mean triggers shame and regret, not to mention bad karma. Shame

and regret are nature’s way of telling us to forgive ourselves for whatever

we just did, apologize and make amends for it if we can, and try to do better

next time. That’s how we learn to be kind as we keep on in life’s journey.

No one is perfectly kind, compassionate, and generous. But you can live a

kinder, more compassionate, and generous life by following just one simple

rule: DON’T BE MEAN. Anything else goes, anything at all.

I’ve done my best to warn you about any legal, moral, or health hazards

connected with any of the alternatives that I suggest you do. But here’s the

deal: even though I’ve done a lot of it myself, yer on yer own just like I’ve

been on my own when it comes to any illegal stuff. I’ll feel bad for you, but

there’s nothing I can do to help you with that one. And nothing in this book

should ever be interpreted as suggesting that you be mean to anyone. So,

with these conditions firmly in place, if anyone gives you any trouble over

anything I suggest you do that isn’t mean to anyone, show them this:

I’ll do your time in Hell for you. Yup. Just don’t be mean, and if you get

sent to Hell for anything I’m suggesting in this book, you show the Devil

this Get Out of Hell Free Card. Aren’t I a peach? So, what are you waiting

for? Check out the 101 Alternatives for Teens, Freaks and Other Outlaws.

101 Alternatives to Suicide

FOR TEENS, FREAKS AND OTHER OUTLAWS

KEY

HOW EASY IS IT TO DO?

(EACH ALTERNATIVE RATED ON A DIFFICULTY SCALE)

As easy as petting a cow

As tricky as riding a cow

As diFFicult as a cow on wheels

Real easy and real dangerous

Thanks for all the cows go to DOMA.tv in Argentina, for the cool freeware

font, DOMA Originals.

HOW SAFE IS IT?

(EACH ALTERNATIVE RATED ON A FOUR HEART SCALE)

The more hearts, the safer and more self-loving the alternative. The more

skulls, the less safe and self-loving. Each alternative is rated on a four-heart

and four-skull scale.

Thank you to Googe & King Buffalo Graphics for the great free Skullz font.

HOW EFFECTIVE IS IT?

(EACH ALTERNATIVE RATED ON A FOUR UMBRELLA SCALE)

The more umbrellas, the more effective it will be, four being the highest

number of umbrellas possible. Why use a less effective option? Because it

will be somewhat effective, and it might be just the thing to make you feel a

little bit better, and help you in your transition to more positive feelings.

IS IT MORE OR LESS LEGAL AND MORAL?

G General. Anyone can do it, even your grandma. You could even talk

about doing this in front of your parents or your boss if you wanted to.

YG Youth Guidance. Don’t try this alternative unless you’ve run it by, or

are accompanied by, a youth.

YG-50 Youth Guidance mandatory for anyone over fifty. If you’re over

fifty, don’t try to read this option without a youth present. It wouldn’t make

much sense to you. Really. I’m over fifty, and I’ve been listening to a lot of

youth explain things to me. It helps.

X No one older than Gen-X should attempt, or even read, this option.

ASS Adult Supervision Suggested.

I’m not trying to be cute with these ratings. Well, yes I am. But this is a

valid way to size up which alternative you think might get you to the next

step up on your emotional journey toward joy and wisdom.

INDEX OF ALTERNATIVES

1. KEEP MOVING.

Do you ever get stir crazy, like you can’t stand being where you are any

longer? Do you know how good it feels to finally get out of there? Less and

less movement is a sign of less and less life. Dead things don’t move at all.

Any kind of motion means there’s some life. Learning how to move well

will help you learn how to live better.

The process of living can be reduced to a simple series of acts: deciding

to move, moving, deciding to stop, and stopping. You can move with the

intention of feeling better, and you can move with the intention of feeling

worse. Moving through life with the intention of feeling better is what’s

going to make life worth living for you.

TRY THIS: Do something as slowly as you can, or do nothing as quickly as

you can. Take thirty minutes to get yourself across the room, without ever

coming to a complete stop. If you can’t get yourself across the room, take

thirty minutes to imagine yourself doing it.

FOLLOW UP WITH THESE: Once you’ve got the hang of constant

conscious motion and constant change, try #29, Play a game you like to

play or #64, Go on a quest.

RECOMMENDED: The book On the Road by Jack Kerouac; the episode

“Out of Gas” from the TV show Firefly; and the film Finding Nemo. Listen

to the music you most enjoy moving to.

2. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TOUCH YOURSELF.

Would you like to feel a miracle? Our bodies are miraculous, no matter

what shape they’re in. Consciously breathing and touching ourselves

reminds us that it’s possible to feel better. When we don’t know how to

describe what it is that we’re feeling, our bodies will always tell us the truth

of the situation. We so often hold our bodies responsible for our bad fortune

that we forget how good they feel when we treat them well.

So, breathe. If you want to calm yourself, breathe in through your nose

and out through your mouth. For lots of air, breathe in and out through your

mouth. Don’t force your exhales, just let them happen. Pay attention to your

breathing over the course of a day. There’s a great deal to learn from the

truth of your own body.

THE RESILIENT EDGE OF RESISTANCE: Press your palm onto

the back of your other hand. Press your hands together, using

pressure from both. Now, let the pressure lighten up until it doesn’t

feel like you’re pressing them together, but that they’re supporting

each other. This is what my girlfriend calls “the resilient edge of

resistance.” Touching yourself or someone else with this principle in

mind can really change things in your life.

ADVANCED MODE: Touch yourself while you’re breathing. Anywhere.

Just consciously touch yourself, and feel what it feels like. That’s all.

Anywhere on your body that’s comfortable for you, touch. Keep breathing!

WAY-ADVANCED MODE: Breathe and touch yourself erotically,

anywhere on your body. Just use the resilient edge of resistance (see

sidebar), and discover what feels good and what feels bad. Give yourself an

orgasm if the opportunity comes up and you’re feeling okay about that.

Orgasms are great for getting rid of bad headaches and most general

grumpiness.

DID YOU KNOW Orgasms come from more places than just your genitals.

You can make yourself come with your breath. Over and over again, as a

matter of fact. I swear! It’s great. I learned how from some experts.

RECOMMENDED: Any books, DVDs, or audio tapes by Annie Sprinkle,

Barbara Carrellas (my girlfriend!), Joseph Kramer, or Chester Mainard.

3. KILL SOME TIME INSTEAD.

Under pressure? Never have enough time to complete everything that you

have to do? If time is pushing you around, kill it. Time, the way it’s served

up to us here by puritanical corporate America, needs to die anyway. It’s far

too demanding and gives you very little in return, even if you make the very

most of it. After we kill off that kind of time, we can use time differently so

that life isn’t such a pressure cooker.

Here are some surefire time killers I use whenever I possibly can:

I take a nap.

I observe a Sabbath.

I use some of my own time to be kind to someone else.

RECOMMENDED: Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in Our

Busy Lives by Wayne Muller.

An advanced time-killer: Sit with your eyes closed for three

minutes. If the only place you can do this for three whole

uninterrupted minutes is the bathroom, then scoot there now and

bring this book with you. Sit still with your eyes closed for three

whole minutes, and witness your thoughts go by. Try not to engage

in any kind of dialogue with your thoughts, just watch them pass. If

it helps, you can envision a thought floating into and out of your

mind on a cloud. Even thunderclouds pass by eventually. See if you

can increase the amount of time you spend doing this.

4. TREAT YOURSELF LIKE AN HONORED GUEST.

Around the world and across the ages, there’s something nice that most

humans and other sentient beings agree upon: when you’ve got guests, you

treat them well. You wouldn’t beat up on a guest you’d welcomed into your

home, would you?

In Shakespeare’s Macbeth, the true horror wasn’t that the Macbeths

killed the king. That happened all the time. Their great offense was

in killing the king while he was a guest in their home. That’s why

the Macbeths were not at first suspected of the crime. Who would

suspect anyone of being so low? Everyone deserves to feel cared

for, respected, and welcome. So, shouldn’t we learn how to do that

for ourselves?

Do you beat up on yourself much? Well, then stop. If you show up on the

culture’s radar as some sort of visible freak or outsider, you end up building

your own world to walk through, so the very least you can do is make

yourself feel welcome in that world. Try it out: spend one day living like

you’re some visiting dignitary in a world that welcomes and celebrates

people like you. That’s what living your life is supposed to feel like, no

matter what kind of freak or outsider other people might think you are.

Do something really special for yourself. Something really nice, like a

bubble bath or a piece of chocolate with fresh fruit. It’s important to do that

every now and then to remind yourself how nice it feels to be welcome and

well cared for.

PRACTICE MODE: If treating yourself better is difficult to do, or even

imagine doing, use #25, Experiment on animals and small children, and

practice treating them like honored guests.

5. FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST.

Schooling designed to make a sweeping, impersonal system work sucks. It

is not at all tailored to your individual interests, strengths, or talents. It can

make life not worth living.

But it’s not learning that’s getting you down. It’s getting through an

educational system. So, work the system, change the system, or leave it, but

make sure you keep on educating yourself, and as many other people as you

can.

The good news is that that no such system is the boss of you. You can

have great autonomy in the things you choose to learn and pursue on your

own time. When you’re learning things that interest you, challenge you, and

make life worth living, getting an education can be blissful and stimulating.

There’s only one thing to do: your homework. Do you have a favorite

field of interest? Biology? Math? History? Computer science? Give

yourself assignments in that field, and exercise your mind. Treat yourself

like the teacher you always wanted to have.

ENDURANCE MODE: Get to college, any college. Well, maybe not Bible

College. But get to college by any means possible. Search for and find a

field of study that makes you really happy and excited to be learning.

Search for and find a mentor who helps you in your studies. Stay for years.

NEUROGENETIC MODE: Learn something new. It helps you grow new

brain cells. Is that cool, or what? According to the decade-old field of

neurogenesis, stress inhibits the growth of new brain cells, forming scars on

our brains and causing depression. Simply learning something new helps to

heal those scars, so we feel better. Yippee!

REVOLUTIONARY MODE: School yourself. Speak with other

selfschoolers who are doing the kind of things you want to be doing, and

get on with teaching yourself about whatever part of life is calling you. I

don’t have an advanced degree beyond my B.A., but my books get taught in

doctoral programs. It all works out.

RECOMMENDED: The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace

Llewellyn, Jefferson’s Children by Leon Botstein, and A Whole New Mind

by Daniel Pink.

6. JUST SAY NO.

Saying no to something bad now will always let you say yes to something

better later. But standing up and saying no can also make you an instantly

recognizable freak, and a target to the people who want you to say yes to

something that is hurting you and/or others.

No, I don’t want to wear a dress,

No, I don’t want to play football,

No, I refuse to support the criminally mean activities of an

illegitimate, quasi-fascist corporate government.

I’ve never been more proud of myself than at those times I’ve said no

when I needed to. But saying no is just the first step. Acting on no is the

second, and the third, and every other step along the way.

There are alternatives to saying no when no is too hard to say. You could

simply not say yes. That’s called passive resistance. Check out the M. K.

Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence (www.gandhiinstitute.org).

Or, you could get yourself out of the reach of whoever you want to say

no to. The Dalai Lama says no to China’s occupation of Tibet like that

(www.tibet.com).

You could even run away and hide and get yourself stronger, like Linda

Hamilton in Terminator II. See #14, Run away and hide.

ADVANCED MODE: Use #93, Bring on Goliath, to say no to someone

who’s been intimidating you for too long.

7. TRASH YOUR PREFERENCE FILES AND REBOOT.

Outsiders go through quite a few identities, each with its own set of

preferences for dealing with different situations. We can change our

conscious preferences easily enough, but sometimes it can help to change

the things we do habitually or unconsciously as well.

Try this: For three or four days, write down the little things you do that

you normally don’t think about doing, including any morning, afternoon, or

evening routines, any habits you’ve got, your daily chores, how you deal

with things that bore or annoy you, and the kind of music you’re listening to

most. Write down ten things you find yourself thinking about without your

having chosen to think about them. Notice how you answer questions like

“How are you?” and “How was your day?”

Now you’re ready to shut down and reboot. For three days, no TV, radio,

internet, music, film, games, newspapers, magazines, and so forth. You can

talk with people, but no communication with anything that can’t speak back

to you of its own intelligence. Be as aware as you possibly can of

everything you say or do on a moment-to-moment basis, and try to make

conscious, informed choices about what you say and what you do, without

relying on the kind of choices you used to make. Make your new preference

files as pristinely your own as they can possibly be.

TIP: Keep a copy of your old preferences in your conscious memory files.

Then you’ll have a copy to put back in place in case you trash any good

preferences by accident. It always pays to back up your files!

HERMIONE MODE: Use this alternative along with #38, Cast a spell, to

devise and perform a cleansing and grounding ritual for yourself.

8. PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

This may be the key to the whole fucking book. Practicing anything will

keep you more conscious, honest, and more capable of laughing at yourself.

It’s based on the Zen principle, the way you do anything is the way you do

everything.

To get good at something, we usually practice until we know how to do it

well. Like walking, talking, eating, or even fucking. Once something works,

the things we do become unconscious habits or mindless routines. Like

checking our email, doing our laundry, reading the paper, or even fucking.

But because the way you do anything is the way you do everything, every

single thing you do could be a conscious rehearsal for how you do

everything else. Especially fucking.

Practice doing things more consciously. Before you start doing things,

become aware of your intention to do them. Notice the difference between

your intention to do something you already know how to do well, and your

intention to do something you don’t yet know how to do well.

Try to consciously perform one task well every day. It doesn’t have to be

something new or dramatic. Just do one thing consciously and well at least

once a day.

RECOMMENDED: How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything: A

Workbook by Cheri Huber. Practical Zen meets postmodern theory meets

earth mom.

9. MAKE LONGER-RANGE PLANS.

Feeling hopeless? Make a plan, any plan. Plan your day. Plan how you’re

going to get out of bed. Plan how you’ll take over the world. Making plans

builds up our hopes, and once we’ve got a glimmer of hope, we’ve got a

reason to go on living. You can build up your hopes right now by making

really simple plans.

When I was twelve years old, I wanted to be a girl. I knew there was no

chance of ever making that happen, but my daydreams were enjoyable

enough in themselves to make life worth living. In retrospect, my young

fantasies were what allowed me to develop a goal and a plan to achieve it,

even though I thought it was unachievable. Now, I see building hope as an

essential and pleasurable step toward realization.

Try planning what the next fifteen minutes of your life will be like. When

you’re done making the plan, see if you are more or less interested in living.

Do you feel a little better about life now that you have a plan? See how that

works? Making the plan is as fun and as important as achieving it. The way

the world works, many of our plans won’t pan out. There’s always some

random element that we can’t predict. And if our plans include other

people? Ha! The best we can do is start the plan in motion and then hang on

and enjoy the ride. So, try putting less importance on whether or not your

plans succeed. Have more fun making them.

ADVANCED MODE: See #19, Make art out of it, and become an

endurance artist. That’s an artist who specializes in pieces that can last for

days, months, and even years. Imagine living your life as art for all that

time! For more on just how to do that, read Letters from Linda M. Montano

edited by Jennie Klein. Give the rest of us lessons.

WAY-ADVANCED MODE: See #91, Believe in your own paradox, and

live fully in the now, at peace with your past and accomplishing your dream

of a better future.

10. RANT, RAVE, BITCH, AND MOAN.

Oh, go for it. Give voice to your inner drama queen. You know you want to.

Dogs and cats make great listeners. So do understanding lovers and best

friends. The best person to bitch, moan, rant, or rave to is a person who will

let you keep on going until you’re done. Just take care not to aim your

drama at your friends and loved ones. And if you’re afraid you might

overburden or frighten them with all your pathetic whimpering and hostile

growling, try this: Set yourself a reasonable time limit, and mark it on a

calendar. When your time’s up, stop bitching and moaning and try #19,

Make art out of it.

RECOMMENDED: This alternative is dedicated to the master of radical

outlaw angry comedy Diane DiMassa, the artist who created Hothead

Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist. Get the complete works and watch

your anger melt away!

11. TELL A LIE.

First, the bad news. Lying always comes back to bite you on your butt.

Telling a lie almost always triggers a string of more lies to cover up the

first. And when you lie to someone, you almost always damage the trust

they have in you. That said, where is there a person who has never told a

lie?

It’s completely okay to lie to protect yourself from someone who unjustly

wants to hurt you, and it’s usually okay to lie when what you’re lying about

won’t hurt anyone anyway.

If you’re going to lie, first get familiar with the mechanics, risks, and

consequences of lies and lying. Play with lies consciously. Try these lying

games out for size:

Tell a tall tale that could be true.

Tell a lie that sounds like the truth.

Pass for something other than what you are.

Be an imposter at least three different ways.

Tell a truth that no one will believe.

Tell two lies that cancel each other out.

Tell two truths that cancel each other out.

RECOMMENDED: Films: The Great Imposter, Catch Me If You Can, and

Big Fish. Books: Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life by Sissela

Bok, Modern Identity Changer: How to Create and Use a New Identity for

Privacy and Personal Freedom by Sheldon Charrett, and How to Create a

New Identity by Anonymous.

POP QUIZ! All three of these U.S. Presidents got caught lying in office.

Who hurt the most people with his lies?

12. SEND OUT A DISTRESS SIGNAL.

Devise a distress signal for yourself to let people know you’re in trouble. If

you can’t say it all directly, say it obliquely.

On the next page are two of about one hundred pen and ink drawings I

made in the 1970s, back when I was a member of the Church of

Scientology. Scientologists believe that sexual perversion is a sign that a

person is evil or in touch with someone else who is evil.

I made these pictures, thinking to myself that someone would see me

crying for help. A lot of outlaws and outsiders feel alone and in need of

support. Art helps to release such feelings. Draw, paint, or write your

distress and let others see it. It doesn’t matter if people get it. None of the

Scientologists I showed the drawings to ever did. Or if they did, no one said

a word. What mattered to me was that I was drawing these pictures and

showing them to people. It helped me to stay alive for years. I knew that

eventually someone would get it.

13. ASK FOR HELP.

One of the greatest things about asking for help is that you might actually

get some. And still, this can be one of the most difficult alternatives in the

book. Even with trusted people in our lives, it may still be difficult to do,

because for some reason, we often don’t feel good about asking for help.

But turning to others for comfort and guidance is a necessary part of life. If

you’ve got a friend, lover, or family member you can turn to, do it.

If you don’t have someone like that, take a look right now at #47, Find a

friend. Keep in mind that people who love you feel great when you turn to

them for help. So do total strangers. It gives us the opportunity to do

something good for someone. Please use this alternative as frequently as

you possibly can, because the whole world gets better every time you do.

14. RUN AWAY AND HIDE.

Running away and hiding always gives you more options. But it raises

some serious questions about courage, honor, and how to get your next

meal.

Isn’t running away a shameful thing to do? If someone is hurting,

abusing, or threatening you, you have every right to run away and hide. You

can worry about shame after you’ve gotten yourself to safety.

What if running away is against my code of honor? There’s a flaw in

your code of honor. Making peace with ourselves over something we’ve

done is how we teach ourselves not to do dishonorable things in the future.

If we need time away in order to make that kind of peace, then we should

take that time.

Where do I live and how do I support myself? Buy, borrow, or beg a copy

of The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn. It’s a great youth

survival guide. Or, visit your friendly neighborhood or online Anarchist

bookstore for more age-appropriate books.

What if running away hurts the person I’m running away from or places

them in danger? You run. And you make a promise to yourself to try harder

not to hurt someone next time.

What if running away hurts an innocent bystander or places an innocent

bystander in danger? Well, do they want to go with you? Is it safe to ask

them? Take a look at the film The Great Escape.

Is there a practice mode? When I was little, I used to run away and hide

for periods of ten minutes or so. I doubt my mother ever knew I was doing

anything other than playing. Pretend you’re hiding away and getting

stronger. Does that make you feel better? If so, you can start planning ways

to make that happen.

Do I have to leave everyone I love? No. I’ve hidden out in the open,

pretending to be like everyone else. I still do that when I’m feeling fragile.

See #27, Give ’em the old razzle-dazzle, and #66, Go stealth.

15. RUN A DIAGNOSTIC PROGRAM.

I was once the first mate on a 364-foot motor yacht, which meant it was my

job to make sure that the ship would float. A ship, like a person, is in

constant motion. The ocean, like the world around us, is in constant motion.

And water and salt like to erode pretty much everything they touch.

I used maintenance and diagnostic programs to make sure everything

worked and would keep on working. How about developing maintenance

and diagnostic programs for the most precious equipment you’ve got: your

mind, body, and spirit? Repairing your life is a lot easier once you’ve

spotted what it is that’s broken.

DID SOMETHING TRIGGER YOU? Hungry, angry, lonely, and tired are

all feelings that trigger my addictions. Do you have any triggers? Uncock

them. Make a list of things that provoke you most and carry it around with

you for a while. When you’re feeling bad, check the list.

CAN’T STOP YOUR BRAIN? Is everything think, think, think? Balance

your mind, spirit, and body. See #2, Take a deep breath and touch yourself.

WHAT’S GOING ON IN YOUR PSYCHIC SPACE? Does your aura need

cleansing? Are you under the influence of any jinxes, curses, or prophecies?

See #38, Cast a spell. This is a good time to ask for help from spirit guides,

angels, familiars, fairies, ghosts, imaginary friends, or God, if you are on

speaking terms.

WHAT STATE ARE YOUR HORMONES IN? Puberty, menopause,

pregnancy, nursing, and menstrual cycles can affect how you feel, and you

can do something to feel better. If you’re on any kind of steroids, birth

control pills or hormones, and you’re having any kind of mood swings,

inexplicable weight gain or loss, or changes in body temperature, it’d be

worth doing a decent Web search and/or going to see an endocrinologist.

Even if you’re a guy by birth, this totally applies to you.

CHECK YOUR DOSAGE: If you’ve slid off any meds, try your best to get

back on them to see if that helps. If you think your meds aren’t working

well or they’re causing unwanted side effects, go see the doctor who

prescribed them, and if that doesn’t help, go see another doctor for a second

opinion.

ARE YOU HEARING VOICES? If you are hearing voices and they’re

telling you to do things that are harmful, go see a psychiatrist. Really. You

do not have to obey people or voices that tell you to do bad things. See #6,

Just say no.

GET ANOTHER OPINION: Are you unsure of how you’re feeling or what

to do? Check in with friends who know you well and who treat you kindly

and fairly. Or speak up in a twelve-step meeting or to a therapist. This isn’t

about someone else’s ideas being more important than your own. This is

just about getting another opinion. See #13, Ask for help.

YOU’D TAKE A PUPPY OR KITTEN TO THE VET IF THEY WERE

SICK, RIGHT? Same goes for you. Let me be the good, concerned auntie

here. If you have any question about whether or not you should be going to

an emergency room or a clinic for a checkup or a check-in, please err on the

side of being overly cautious.

HOW ARE YOUR FINANCES? In much debt? Can’t pay the bills? Need

money to get the fuck out of town but can’t seem to raise it? How are you

going to pay for your sex change surgery and hormones? Do you have

insurance? Have you paid your taxes? There’s not much that can make me

more scared faster than that litany once it starts in my head. There are ways

to deal. See #14, Run away and hide, #13, Ask for help, and #33, Stop

fucking around and get to work.

AND ALL THAT JAZZ: Since outlaws don’t always have access to

traditional Western medicine or religious advice, we’re often left on our

own to come up with physical and spiritual diagnostic methods that work

for us. Here are some other cool diagnostic and maintenance tools you may

not have heard about or considered using. Outsider status shouldn’t stop

you from using these, and some of them are a lot of fun.

Get your aura or chakras cleansed.

Check out kinesiology or use a pendulum to figure out what’s good

for you and what isn’t.

See a homeopathist for a little hair of the dog that bit you.

Read your runes or get a reading.

Read birds’ entrails or get a reading. (Okay, not one of the fun

ones.)

Get your astrological chart done and check your transits.

Find out if Mercury is in retrograde.

Get or give yourself a Tarot or I Ching reading.

If you’re curious, get a fertility or pregnancy test.

Get regular eye and ear checkups. What you see and hear is too

important to mess around with.

Get a mammogram or a prostate exam.

See an acupuncturist.

Get tested for allergies.

Get tested for the latest STD, epidemic, or plague. Please.

Give yourself or your lover a breast exam.

16. FIND OUT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

YG/ASS

The standards of beauty in America’s über-culture are purposefully set too

high so that we will buy anything in our frantic scramble to become

attractive. We are meant to feel crushed, inadequate, and less-than so that

we’ll buy more and more things in the vain hope of “fixing” ourselves. To

combat total self-deprecation, try looking at yourself square in the mirror

and taking a fearless inventory of what you see.

This is a terrifying alternative to killing yourself, but it is totally

kick-ass effective, and it isn’t dangerous in the least.

Find something attractive about each part of your body for which you’ve

now got negative feelings. Then, focus on those positive feelings. Be as

specific as you can about how each part of your body makes you feel, so

that you’ll know what to feel better than. And be as brutally honest about

what you like. Keep in mind how other people have complimented you.

Can you at least agree with them? In better understanding your body, you

can better appreciate it on its own terms. You can begin to experience and

view your body in a healthier, kinder way.

ADVANCED MODE: Do this exercise with a friend you really trust, and

help each other

KEYWORDS: mind game, comfort

I’ve dealt with the devil. Many people have. Sometimes we want something

so badly that we’re willing to compromise hard-learned principles of

decency, goodwill, and compassion in order to get it. We borrow power that

isn’t really ours against our better judgment and the general good of

humanity. Usually, what we want is something we consider bad, wrong, or

sinful, so even when we get what we ask for, we can’t enjoy it much. And

then payback time forces us to feed power back to that devilish person or

institution. It’s true what they say: you’ll feel like you’ve sold your soul.

That said, if it comes down to dealing with the devil or taking your own

life, deal with the devil. You can try to outsmart the devil—steal from the

bad guys and try not to get caught, that sort of thing. You might get away

with it. But the only way I’ve found to escape with my soul intact is to

frame my deal in such a way that I don’t profit from it.

RECOMMENDED: The film or comic Constantine. Both are great.

18. MAKE ‘EM LAUGH.

Making people laugh is an excellent way to deflect violence and insults, and

reclaim our own voices. It’s smoke and mirrors. It gives you the control to

focus audience attention where you want it and explore the parts of your

suffering that you find humor in. Like my little bald head here. It has tons

of possibilities for comedy. If you don’t know any funny things about

yourself, see #90, Believe in your own laughter.

POLITICAL MODE: Join or support the Guerilla Girls, the Radical

Cheerleaders, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Bread and Puppet

Theater, and anyone else who’s using the comedy of their own lives to

undermine America’s oppressive über-culture and to restore laughter to our

politics and spiritual paths.

ADVANCED MODE: Laugh all the way to the bank. See #34, Sing for

your supper.

This alternative to killing yourself is dedicated with love, awe, and respect

to Prof. John Emigh, a smart and funny guy indeed.

19. MAKE ART OUT OF IT.

Artistic genius is usually not the product of a life easily lived. The good

news about suicidal longing is that it’s got the potential to fuel great art. The

better news is that whatever has got you thinking about killing yourself will

lose its power when you use it to make art instead. The best news is that

you don’t have to be an artist for this alternative to work. Everyone, I

repeat, everyone, can make art that speaks to someone.

Use any art form that’s handy. Write it down, film it, sculpt it, paint it, or

set it down in code. You don’t have to pay attention to who may or may not

look at it. Make art because it’s better than being mean and/or hurting

anyone, including yourself.

ADVANCED MODE: Some amazing art has been made in service to

different communities, causes, or institutions. See #58, Serve somebody,

and make some art in service to someone else.

OPTIONAL NEXT STEP: See #20, Sell the stuff you make, and #34, Sing

for your supper.

RECOMMENDED: Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland, and The

Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron.

20. SELL THE STUFF YOU MAKE.

Stuff tends to sell when it’s made from a completely different perspective

than most people are used to. Art and craft have value because they can

make people think and feel things that they aren’t used to thinking or

feeling. The truer you are to yourself while you are making your stuff, the

more success you’ll find in selling it.

Somewhere out there, there’s an audience or customer or client or buyer

who will pay you for the stuff you make. You can do it. It’s tricky, but it is

not impossible. There’s a network out in the world made up of artists,

craftspeople, designers, pornographers, zinesters, adult entertainers, film-

makers, sex workers, Star Trek authors, producers, publishers, performers,

dealers, sculptors, strippers, writers of horror stories, and someone who’s

already making the sort of art or craft you’d like to be making for a living.

People who make stuff tend to overlap and know each other, and we don’t

tend to be overly competitive. It’s been my experience that outlaws are

fairly generous in sharing leads and contacts for agents, galleries,

producers, presenters, promoters, editors, ghosters, johns, directors, and so

on.

The outlaw market doesn’t work like the stock exchange, or the mall. To

make things run smoothly, you buy stuff directly from the maker and pay

cash when you can. You pay fair prices and try not to haggle with artists or

hookers. You buy union made. You always tip as big as you can, including

street performers. You subscribe to an odd little theater, circus, or orchestra.

You eat in your local lesbo veggie restaurant. And as much as you may love

Amazon.com, you buy what you can from socialist, anarchist, feminist and

independent bookstores. You shop craft fairs, thrift shops, and flea markets.

You read locally written porn and erotica. You boycott Wal-Mart. And you

do that enough, and gradually, your own work becomes easier and easier to

sell for better and better prices. That’s how it seems to work.

RECOMMENDED: Art & Fear by David Bayles and Ted Orland, anything

by Lynda Barry, and any of Alison Bechdel’s Dykes to Watch Out For

series.

21. DEAL WITH THE DEAD AND GONE.

G/ASS

You have every right to deal with the dead and gone any way you want to.

When you don’t deal with them, they tend to hang around and, for better or

for worse, continue to influence your life.

My mother’s death left me grieving the hardest. I’d relied so heavily on

the near unconditional love we had for each other that her absence made my

life extremely difficult to navigate. Without her, I felt alone, abandoned, and

unable to continue. In order to come to some peace with my loss, I listed the

qualities about my mom that I most admired and relied upon. Then one by

one, I embodied those qualities. This helped me to move on.

But it’s not always our great loves that die and go. Sometimes, it’s the

people who made us most afraid. In that case, it would be good to make a

list of all the qualities about them we don’t admire or rely on, and one by

one make sure we’re not embodying these things ourselves. Here are some

ways you can connect with the dead and gone and come to some final terms

with them:

Get drunk or stoned in their honor and let them walk

(not drive) you home.

Get therapy.

Talk with them.

Say a prayer for their well-being.

Make art out of their lives.

Light a candle or an everlasting light.

Dance and/or spit on their grave.

Play their favorite music.

Put together a photo collage or album.

Wear bright red to the funeral.

Locate them in their next incarnation.

RECOMMENDED: How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove,

Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., and Peter McWilliams. I’ve gone

through dozens of copies.

22. MOISTURIZE!

Just do it. I am so not kidding about this one.

Femmes, fags, and girly girls know what I’m talking about. Queer Eye

for the Straight Guy made it okay for boys, men, and butches to moisturize.

If you ask nicely, maybe a girly girl or girly boy will show you how to do it.

GREAT CHEAP AND NATURAL MOISTURIZER

2 tablespoons of Aloe Vera gel

3 ounces of olive oil1

1 ounce of cocoa butter

2 ounces of rose water

To prepare, warm the oil and butter together and the rose water and

aloe vera separately. Place all of the ingredients in a blender and

whip. If you wish, add scented oils for nice smells. See

www.ayurveda.com.

ADVANCED MODE: Moisturize with playmates.

23. SEE YOURSELF IN EVERYONE YOU MEET.

Will Rogers was an American cowboy humorist, the Garrison Keillor, Jon

Stewart, and Ellen Degeneres of his day, all rolled into one sweet, funny

guy. He’s best remembered for having said, “I never met a man I didn’t

like.” (People talked like that back then. My guess is he probably liked all

the women he met, too.) The point is that Will Rogers met a lot of people

from all over the world and all walks of life. He met presidents and senators

and beauty queens, and he met cowboys and ranch hands and field-workers

and freed slaves. And he still said, “I never met a man I didn’t like.”

By all reports, he was a genuinely nice guy, and he really meant it. Dang!

How did he do that? Didn’t he ever meet someone who was simply a jerk?

Wasn’t Will ever in a bad mood? I’ve been chewing on this one ever since I

was a teenager, and I think I figured out how he did it. He must have been a

good listener. Good enough to listen to someone so intently that he could

always find something they both agreed on, something they had in

common. And he must have asked some really good questions to get people

to open up to him; he must have shown genuine interest in what they had to

say.

The odds are skyrocket high that you’ve got something in common with

anyone you meet, if you listen sincerely enough.

DEBUG MODE: What if you see yourself in someone else and you don’t

like what you see? Excellent, grasshopper! Use #51, Be your own evil twin,

and #91, Believe in your own paradox.

CUT-TO-THE-CHASE MODE: There’s a Native American saying that

goes something like, “Show me who you love, and I’ll know who you are.”

If you want to get to the heart of a person you’re trying to get to know, find

out who or what it is they love. Let someone know who or what you love,

too.

24. SAVETHEWHALES, THE CHILDREN, OR THE

WORLD.

Choose a charitable or social activist organization. It can be a soup kitchen

or human rights group. It can be an animal rights or eco-activism group—

any big cause you’ve always wanted to do something about, or that you

never gave much thought to but could certainly get behind. Tell them you’d

like to volunteer on a regular basis for one month or one year. At the end of

that time, evaluate what you’ve done and how you feel. Did you feel

supported? Were you getting enough of a good feeling from doing that work

to make it worthwhile being there? Would you like to leave? Stay another

year? You get to choose.

On the other hand, you could try saving one whale, one child, or one tiny

little piece of the world. That kind of work is like falling in love or talking

with God. If you spend your life that way, always allotting some time to

helping out someone else, you shouldn’t really need this book much longer.

RECOMMENDED: Utne Magazine is a good gateway into the world of

worthy causes. As is their website, www.utnereader.com.

25. EXPERIMENT ON ANIMALS AND SMALL CHILDREN.

Do you feel awkward about how to deal with other people? Kids and

animals respond so well to love and kindness that it’s a complete joy to

practice your people skills on them. Gizmo is one of the cats I live with.

He’s more feral than tame. I spend a lot of time learning his rhythms and his

boundaries. He spends a lot more time in my lap now, and I pet him using

the resilient edge of resistance (see #2, Take a deep breath and touch

yourself). If my attention wanders away from him, onto the computer

screen or toward someone else in the room, my touch becomes less

conscious, and he’ll immediately jump down from my lap. He’s a high

maintenance diva is what he is. But whenever I get cranky, I practice being

sweet to him, and it brightens my day. So, give it a try. If you’ve got no pets

or children in your life, you could house-sit, pet-sit, or babysit for friends

and family.

Here’s a list of basic people skills. Experiment getting these concepts

across to animals or children. Practice makes perfect.

Hello.

I’m not going to hurt you.

May I join you?

Thank you.

Where are your boundaries?

Here are my boundaries.

What pleases you?

This is what pleases me.

I enjoyed this time with you.

Good-bye.

26. JOIN A GROUP THAT WANTS YOU AS A MEMBER,

OR START YOUR OWN GROUP.

We join groups for lots of reasons. Membership keeps us from getting

lonely. Maybe a group facilitates some passion of ours. Or, supports us

through crises, recovery from addiction, or illness. Some groups have a

welcome wagon and an insurance plan.

When you’re a freak, a teen, or a recognizable outlaw, you need to search

for a group that would have you as a member pretty much just the way you

are.

GROUPS YOU COULD JOIN OR START THAT MIGHT

WANT EVEN YOU AS A MEMBER!

A twelve-step program

A religion

A gang

The Party

A fan club

A union

A garden club

A Macintosh User Group

(MUG)

A PC User Group (PUG)

The mile-high club

A guerilla theater group

A culture jamming group

A weekly poker game

A million-$-sales club

A neighborhood association

A local arts, writers, poets,

or performing arts group

A glee club or choir

A health club

A book club

A sex club

A dance group

An auto club

A support group

A bereavement support group

An orchestra or band

The polar bear club

A nature club (flora and fauna)

A naturist club (nudists)

A political campaign (yours or

someone else’s)

A think tank

A volunteer fire department

A convent or monastery

An environmental group

A community center or shelter

WHAT IF THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT

DISQUALIFIES YOU FROM JOINING A GROUP YOU’D

REALLY LIKE TO BELONG TO?

Sometimes we join a group because we are hiding who and what we

really are while we’re learning how to be the person we want to

become. That’s fine. We all need some time out of the spotlight,

with some space to grow and learn. The balancing act is how to

maintain your integrity and be worthy of the trust the group is

giving you. See #66, Go stealth.

27. GIVE ’EM THE OLD RAZZLE DAZZLE.

Witches and wizards call it glamour. It’s not about what you’re wearing. It’s

sweeping someone off their feet by being really attentive. It’s sleight of

hand, smoke and mirrors, and misdirection. Sometimes, it’s a good thing to

do when you’re scared or uncertain.

You can use glamour as an alternative to living a life of unpopularity

and/or loneliness. Razzle dazzle is as effective as you are good at it, and it’s

a lot easier than you think to get good at. But that’s not necessarily good

news. Once you’re good at glamour, it can become more than a teeny bit

addictive. You could start to believe your own mask in order to justify

wearing it. You could get pretty smug about yourself, and that’s no fun for

anyone. Try to keep glamour and razzle dazzle as a tool you use in

emergencies or for celebrations.

ADVANCED MODE: Add sexy. You know how you can turn your

headlights on someone? Completely make them the center of every single

bit of your attention, even without seeming to. It’s a talent you can learn

just like any other. What do you get from giving ’em a sexy razzle dazzle?

Well, what would you like? You can add expectations into the mix by being

clear and up-front about what you’d like in return for the razzle dazzle

you’ll be giving. Negotiating an evening like that can be great fun.

HAVE-A-NICER-DAY MODE: Spend a day strolling about, being nothing

but perfectly dazzling. Daze and dizzy ’em. Do it solo, or even better, do it

with a partner or partners. Call it performance art and charge admission.

28. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION.

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Accepting that it’s you who must decide what’s right and what’s wrong for

yourself is key to living a fulfilled life. Once you arrive at that conclusion,

you don’t need permission from anyone else to be or do whatever you want.

Sure, go ahead and get advice from people who’ve had more experience

than you. It also helps to look for advice from people who have a different

point of view and to study the rules, regulations, and consequences of doing

whatever it is you think you need permission for. But ultimately, it’s up to

you.

29. PLAY A GAME YOU LIKE TO PLAY.

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Real life isn’t like gym class, or some corporate office. Every day you wake

up, you get to choose the kind of game you’d like to play and you get to

pick what level you’d like to play at. If you don’t like a game that someone

else wants you to play, you don’t have to play it, no matter what anyone

says.

SOME GAMES YOU NEVER HAVE TO PLAY:

Corporate America: You don’t need an MBA, you never have to dress for

success, and you don’t have to work for anyone who exploits their workers.

Hail to the Chief: You don’t have to support a despot just because he’s

holding the office of president of the United States.

Monogamy: There’s no reason you can’t love a lot of people all at the same

time.

Saints or Sinners: Sinners get thrown into Hell, and saints lead a really

boring life. Totally not a game worth playing.

Don’t Ever Tell Anyone What I Did to You: You never have to cover up

for anything bad that someone else has done. If someone is asking you to do

that, see #14, Run away and hide, and #35, Dance for your life.

30. GET OUT THERE AND BE A STAR!

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YG-50

Oh, go for it. At best, you’ll be the star you always hoped you could be, and

at worst, the journey you’re going to take in order to get there will have

made your life worth living and wouldn’t that be a great feeling?

Every one of us gets to be a star in our own part of the sky. The trick to

enjoying the pursuit of stardom is simply to brighten, warm and serve the

universe around you. On good days I remember to believe that, and so can

you. So, if going for stardom is going to fire up your lust for life, get out

there and be a star in whatever sky welcomes you. See #58, Serve

somebody.

RECOMMENDED: The films A Star Is Born (Judy Garland), Waiting for

Guffman, Yankee Doodle Dandy, Chariots of Fire, Wee Geordie and

Cabaret, as well as the book Edie by Jean Stein and George Plimpton, and

“The Golden Boy,” Worlds’ End, volume 8 of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman

series.

31. GET OUT THERE AND BE AN EXTRA!

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Wouldn’t it be fun to be one of the background cops or whores on TV’s Law

and Order? Well, move to New York and audition. Sometimes, it’s a lot

easier to let someone else be the star of the film.

150

Extras rarely get lines or credit. Sometimes all the audience ever sees is

the back of their head. Or their face on a mug shot in the hand of some TV

detective. But you get paid for that, which is a great big plus to being an

extra. The trick to personal fulfillment as an extra is understanding that this

is your work, that you’re dedicating your life to it, and that, by gosh, you’re

making your living doing it. Life doesn’t get much better than that.

32. GET OUT THERE AND BE AN EX.

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What do ex-convicts, transsexuals, ex-nuns, ex-smokers, recovering

alcoholics, ex-gamblers, ex-sex addicts, ex-sex offenders, ex-sex workers,

and ex-gays have in common with everyone who ever once was but is no

longer extremely rich, poor, fat, ugly, beautiful, working class, or ruling

class? These are all people who are better known for what they used to be

than for what they currently are. That hurts, and I’m sorry if that’s

happening to you. It seems to be the plight of the postmodern identity that

modernist thinkers won’t let us freely identity shift. Modernist and

fundamentalist logic runs like this: if you once were one of those, then you

still are, and you’ve probably got all those same qualities now. Being an ex

is about leaving an old identity behind you, and learning how to manage the

stigma of what you once were at the same time. It helps to have someone to

talk with who knows what’s going on. See #47, Find a friend.

If you’re having trouble dealing with someone who refuses to see you as

you are today and that situation isn’t changing, then see #37, Keep moving

on, or if you’re feeling more cranky or mischievous, try #52, Be a more

frightening monster than the one they think you are. When you embrace

being an ex, you can keep or keep available whatever you enjoyed about

your past identity. See #7, Trash your preference files and reboot.

MERIT BADGE! Write an essay, poem, song or rant, or make a film,

painting or sculpture that responds to the following two questions and

you’ll be qualified to copy and use this hand-designed-by-me Ex and Proud

Merit Badge. Heck, you can even earn the right to wear this beauty by

meditating on these questions for ten minutes every morning for one week.

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1. What do the identities listed at the top of this section have in

common?

2. What do you have in common with each one?

ADVANCED MODE: You can use your ex status to get yourself some fame

or notoriety, or you can make art out of it. See #30, Get out there and be a

star! and #19, Make art out of it.

RECOMMENDED: Becoming an Ex: The Process of Role Exit by Helen

Rose Fuchs Ebaugh.

33. STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET TO WORK.

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Does it suck being you? Is there nothing worthwhile to do? Does the world

owe you a better life than the one you’ve got? If I said, “Oh, poor you,”

could you smile?

Say you had a friend, and every day this friend was feeling sorrier and

sorrier for herself, so much so that it was hard to spend time with her.

Wouldn’t you want to tell her enough is enough? If hearing that makes you

wince, maybe it’s time to get off your butt. Get back to doing something,

anything, any kind of work you can find for yourself. You can always keep

looking for a more rewarding job. In the summer of 1968, I sorted bottle

returns at a Pepsi plant, drove an ice cream truck, and became a scene

designer/painter and a singer/dancer. It was a great summer. I didn’t have

time to get depressed.

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PARTNER MODE: Find a good friend, family member, therapist, twelve-

step program, congregation, or coven to help kick your butt back into the

world.

RECOMMENDED: Richard Nelson Bolles’s What Color Is Your

Parachute? There’s a new edition for teens.

34. SING FOR YOUR SUPPER.

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Are you just too freaky for McDonald’s, Disney, or Bank of America? Trust

me, that’s good news. And don’t worry about making a living. You can

cultivate what makes you freaky to make a much more fun living than what

you might find flipping Double-meat burgers, or following some corporate

dress code because you think it’s your only choice.

Here are just some of the ways I’ve seen some pretty freaky people make

a living without having to hide their freakiness. I’ve starred the ones I’ve

done myself. This should jumpstart your inner breadwinner.

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Accounting, bookkeeping, artists’ model,* pelvic model, motion-capture

model, astrologer, Tarot reader,* tech support rep,* blogger, zinester,

journalist,* bookstore worker, librarian, museum worker, care giver, social

worker, sitter,* companion, courtesan, personal assistant, carpenter,

cabinetmaker, baker, musician, adult entertainer,* circus, freak show, or

sideshow performer, corset maker, craft maker,* game designer,

programmer, gardener, landscaper, entertainer,* erotic dancer, sex worker,*

stage carpenter, * stage electrician, scene painter,* costumer, sound

technician, light technician, stage manager, barista, food-service worker,*

restaurant worker, nurse, veterinarian, phone sex operator,* professional

dominatrix* or submissive, black-market operator, professional student,

pool player, gambler, priest, priestess, nun, minister,* scientist,

mathematician, physicist, engineer, boxer, wrestler, grant writer,* grant

receiver,* trades and service industry, * U.S. postal worker, theatrical

producer or presenter,* artists’ agent, slam poet, street/park performer,*

sales,* telemarketer,* knitter, tailor, fabric designer, sugar baby.

GROUP MODE: Join or put together a band, writers’ group, dance team,

theater company, bookstore collective, or socialist commune. AND there

are foundations, trusts, grants, and even a few government-sponsored

programs that you qualify for precisely because you’re an outsider. Get

your application in now!

35. DANCE FOR YOUR LIFE.

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The ultimate bully threat is this: entertain me or die. In the Westerns I

watched when I was growing up, there was always a scene with some bad

guy shooting bullets at the feet of some hapless stranger. And the bad guy

would always shout, “Dance! Dance for your life!” Martin Scorsese

recreated the moment in Goodfellas. The language is grittier. Joe Pesci

shouts, “Dance, ya muthahfuckah! Dance!”

Despite romantic notions to the contrary, outlaws and outcasts mostly end

up on the wrong side of the gun, both figuratively and literally. Sometimes

we have to dance. Sometimes it’s someone we love whose finger is on the

trigger.

Several of the alternatives in this book will help you get through a bad

time like this. You can use #2, Take a deep breath and touch yourself; #6,

Just say no; #12, Send out a distress signal; and #14, Run away and hide. I

am so sorry if that’s the position you’re in. If you possibly can, leave now

and get to a shelter or even the police. But if you can’t leave, keep on

dancing for as long as it takes to get out of there and get to someone who

can protect you and keep you safe.

36. KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE MOTHER

FUCKERS. (OKAY, NOT REALLY.)

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Have you ever had a murderous thought about someone? I have. A lot of

people have. I’m sorry, but the kind of world we’ve all grown up in makes

it easy to have those thoughts. So, get over the notion that having them

makes you an unusual or bad person. The urge to kill is completely natural.

Like any other natural urge, what matters is learning all the constructive

things you can do with that urge once it surfaces. Eventually, the urge to kill

can channel your energy into a great number of constructive directions. It

can fuel your politics, your art, and your sense of justice.

The challenge becomes how can you fully experience and satisfy your

urge to kill ’em all without actually killing anyone or anything. The easiest

thing to do is pretend you’re killing ’em all. Indulge in the revenge fantasies

of movies, books, cartoons, and video games.

And when you’re ready to come back to the real world, where you know

that murder just doesn’t cut it, you can decompress the way I did while I

was writing this book. I pulled up the San Diego Zoo panda-cam, and I

watched Bai Yun in the birthing den with her new cub. Calmed me right

down every time.

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EROTIC MODE: Hentai is the porn version of manga and anime. If you

enjoy playing with violent sex consensually with others, you might want to

check it out. Hentai can also be really tender and sweet.

RECOMMENDED: The films Kill Bill I and II, Natural Born Killers, True

Romance, Blue Velvet, V for Vendetta, and HBO’s The Sopranos . Buffy the

Vampire Slayer solves the problem of violence with good fashion sense.

Sword, sorcery, and samurai films can provide you with some really good

scenes of death to the bad guys.

37. KEEP MOVING ON.

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Everything comes to an end. What no one ever tells you is what to do after

that. This is what you do: you move on and you keep moving on. It’s not as

bad as it sounds.

Moving on is the other side of the mountain from death and dying. It’s

about what you do after the dying and after the death. It’s wherever life

takes you after the end of something that was beautiful and important or

ugly and painful in your life. Moving on is what you do after a relationship

is over, whether it was a relationship with someone, something, or

someplace. Moving on is about continuing your life without that physical

presence.

There’s an old saying in show business: all shows close.

You choose to move on when you stop falling back into an identity that

no longer works for you. It’s a way you can start all over again and put all

the painful or joyful good-byes in context with the hellos that always

follow. How can you tell when something is over? I’m still learning that

one, but usually I get the message when I feel stuck or when I’m in too

much pain, and good-bye is one of the very few options left. Sure, moving

on can leave you bone lonely, but most of that loneliness happens when

you’re lost in memories. Part of moving on successfully is learning what to

leave behind. See #21, Deal with the dead and gone, and #100, Tidy your

campsite before you leave.

Make a list of the last three people, places, or things that you lost or left

behind. Which parts of you haven’t moved on from those losses? See #9,

Make longer-range plans, and figure out how best to move on from those

losses.

RECOMMENDED: Try the books Berlin Stories by Christopher

Isherwood, Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote, and Siddhartha by

Hermann Hesse. Or rewatch any season finale of the TV show Buffy The

Vampire Slayer by Joss Whedon.

38. CAST A SPELL.

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Are you good at making things happen across the room or across time? Do

you travel interdimensionally or would you like to? Do you have your own

version of spider sense or women’s intuition? Are you a medium or a teller

of fortunes? Are you worried that someone is going to dump pig’s blood on

you at the prom?

You are not alone, and you are not freaky or crazy for any supernatural

abilities you seem to have. There’s a whole world of people who practice all

kinds of magic. There are books, audio and video tapes, and DVDs on how

to do it. There are conventions of people who practice real live cast-a-spell

magic. Some of them, but not many, worship Satan. Even so, almost all of

these people are very nice to hang out with and learn magic from. Part of

the fun is looking for these people in your life. So, go learn some magic and

have fun casting spells. Don’t poke your eye out with your wand.

SEX MAGIC MODE: Throw in an orgasm to fuel your magic. It’s fun and

easy! Read Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the 21st Century by my partner in

love, art, and magic, Barbara Carrellas.

39. MAKE A WISH.

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When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. Did you ever believe

that? What made you stop believing? When was the last time you made a

wish on a wishbone, a dandelion, or a birthday candle? If making wishes

makes you feel better, make more wishes. I mean, duh!

Think of something you’d like. Anything at all. Now, savor the idea of

already having it. How does that make you feel? For the rest of the day, do

things that make you feel just like that.

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What you’re doing is putting yourself in a receptive mode so that your

wish might come true. You’re aligning yourself with the naturally positive

energy of the universe that wants you to be happy.

40. MAKE BELIEVE.

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When you make believe, you’re giving yourself clues to a useful future

identity.

Beyond the age of eight or nine, very few people take make-believe

seriously. Pretending is a skill we spend years perfecting, and yet we’re

never supposed to use that skill for any real purpose. You, however, can

take this skill very seriously and use it to make yourself feel better.

Making believe isn’t exactly lying, and it’s not a way to “fake it ’til you

make it,” because when you make believe, it’s as real as you can imagine it

to be. And making believe isn’t delusional, it’s completely conscious. How

many real-life uses can you come up with for your skill in making believe?

EXERCISE: Make believe you’re somehow better than you are right now.

Or, make believe you’re the kind of you that you’ve always wanted to be.

Use costumes, props, and as many details as you might need to help you

make believe that you are that better you. Keep on making believe for as

long as you can. Then write down the differences between the make-believe

you and the everyday you. Use #7, Trash your preference files and reboot,

or #38, Cast a spell, to get rid of the parts of you that make you feel bad,

and nurture the parts of you that make you feel better about yourself.

RECOMMENDED: Calvin and Hobbes, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

(movie and book), and Tipping the Velvet (movie and book).

WOO-WOO MODE: #49, Find a God who believes in you.

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41. MAKE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

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It’s been said that the dining rooms in Heaven and Hell are exactly the

same. Diners sit across from each other at long tables heaped with delicious

food. The only utensils are three-foot-long chopsticks. In Hell, the damned

starve as they try in vain to feed themselves with the chopsticks that can’t

reach their mouths. In Heaven, folks generously feed one another across the

table. Making someone else’s dreams come true makes you feel great. It

doesn’t have to be their dream of a lifetime. Leave that to reality TV. Just

go make someone’s little dream come true with no strings attached.

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If this is you with the wings, whose shoulder might you be sitting

on?

RECOMMENDED: See the film Pay It Forward and visit the Pay It

Forward Foundation at www.payitforwardfoundation.org/.

42. ACT YOUR AGE OR ANY OTHER.

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Age-based discrimination is a given. But here’s a way you can get around it.

No matter how old you are, you can embody an archetype of any age and

live at the age that works best for you at any given moment. Most cultures

have established archetypes for what they determine to be the four primary

ages of life. These are represented in the Tarot as King (elder), Queen

(adult), Knight (adolescent), and Page (child). And while those are nice

enough categories, they’re too broadly drawn to be of much practical use.

As an outsider in a postmodern age, you’re free to try out many nuanced

identities within, and beyond, each of those four age ranges. You can take

on and put off ages as they suit you, using different age models to handle

different situations in your life. You can shift identities in order to stay

under the radar of someone who isn’t hip to what you’re doing.

Here’s a list of identities I’ve used that you can pull out of your hat

whenever you need it. You can be each and every one of them. Have a great

time.

CHILDREN

The Good Kid

The Girly Girl

The Tomboy

The Nerd

The Invisible Kid

ADOLESCENTS

The Romantic

The Rebel

The Freak

The Slut

The Sex Genius

The Dyke

The Goth

The Slayer

ADULTS

Mother/Mommy

Father/Daddy

The Scientist

The Nun/Monk

The Leader

The Teacher

The Whore

The Outlaw

The Owner

ELDERS

Grandma

Grandpa

The Crone

The Ambassador

The Curmudgeon

The Judge

The Wizard

AGELESS

The Lady

The Gentleman

The Artist

The Lunatic

The Magician

The Traveler

The Healer

The Monster

The Student

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43. ACT YOUR GENDER OR ANY OTHER.

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More and more people are embracing multiple genders in order to

accomplish things in different parts of their lives. Sometimes, we need boy

energy. Sometimes, only girly-girl energy will do. You get to do what you

most enjoy doing, no matter what your body looks like, or what gender you

were assigned at birth. When did you learn otherwise?

Growing up in our culture, we learn to narrow down our gender

presentation to the same one every day. If you were raised in another

culture, your gendered behavior would look very different from the way

you’re doing your gender right now. It would follow that we have the

ability to be lots of genders. But there’s never been a practical guideline for

shifting between them. Well, there is now. Welcome to g.i.d.g.e.t., the

gender identity graphic equalizer tool. You can use g.i.d.g.e.t. to pinpoint

both the gender you are being, and the gender you’d like to be. It’s easy as

pie and it doesn’t involve surgery or hormones. Woo-hoo!

Why play with gender? If gender is an identity that signals our desire and

our position in some power hierarchy, then it should be possible to explore

the nature of our desire and power more completely by taking on a gender

identity more compatible with our fantasies. Wouldn’t that be a good reason

to stay alive?

Take a look at the chart on the next page. Each column represents a

binary pair of characteristics. Make an X in each column to indicate more

or less where you tend to fall most of the time. Modify any words you like.

Use the blank column to add any other qualities that help define who you

most usually are being. When you’re done, connect the X’s with a line.

Voila! It’s a graphic representation of the gender you spend a lot of your

day-to-day time in.

Now, get yourself to a nice, safe, comfortable place where you can be by

yourself with as little chance of being interrupted as possible. Think of

something that turns you on sexually. Just close your eyes and imagine

doing it or having it done to you. What does it make you feel like? Write

down some words. Take your time and be thorough in your imagination.

Once you’ve got a sexual fantasy in mind, go back to g.i.d.g.e.t. and enter

a check mark in each column that would most closely represent how you

feel when you imagine it. Then connect the check marks with a line that’s

different from the one you first made. Now you know the components of a

gender identity that most closely matches the gender in which you

experience your sexual fantasy. And being the clever thing that you are, you

can now consciously adjust yourself along several binaries in order to give

yourself pleasure. It’s that easy. That’s how sexual fantasies can lead to

personal enlightenment and freedom—even your grossest, most scary,

don’t-wanna-go-there sexual fantasies.

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REMEMBER: You don’t ever have to act out on your own fantasies,

or anyone else’s. Ever. It’s always your choice.

Gender Indentity Graphic Equalizer Tool

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POWER MODE: Now that you’ve run g.i.d.g.e.t. to explore your desire,

run it to explore the nature of your power. What points within the binaries

make you feel powerful? How could you become the kind of identity who

more routinely feels powerful?

ZEN MODE: Zero yourself out in every column of g.i.d.g.e.t.

44. USE THE WRONG TOOL FOR THE JOB.

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The master’s tools will never dismantle the

master’s house.

—Audre Lorde

So what tools could you use? The wrong ones! You can get really good at

using the wrong tools to get the job done.

Most outsiders and outcasts have been on the receiving end of a bully’s

anger, so we are nearly always at first loathe to use a bully’s methods. But

after a while and usually under a great deal of pressure, some of us embrace

those tools and turn them on our oppressors. I know a lot of people swear

by that, but I’m trying my best not to use the following tools:

Force

Power over

Shame

Fear

Hate

Black-and-white thinking

The notion that the end

justifies the means

Intimidation

An eye-for-an-eye

Threats

Humiliation

Blame

Name-calling

Segregation

Capitalism

Divide and conquer

Theft

Greed

When you don’t use the master’s tools, other tools become available to you.

These aren’t startling new tools. Most of them have been in use for aeons.

They’re the tools the bullies have tossed aside as forbidden or unworkable

because they’re too scared to use them.

Magic

Love

Anarchy

Sex

Joy

Patience

Fairness

Consensus

Illogic

Compromise

Culture jamming

Compassion

Humor

Comedy

Paradox

Nonviolence

Seduction

Riddles

Art

Visualization

Affirmations

EXERCISE: Add more items to both lists of tools.

PRACTICE MODE: Do something nice for the wrong reason.

ARTSY MODE: Make art from the wrong materials.

WOO-WOO MODE: Worship God the wrong way.

MATH MODE: Solve a problem using the wrong formula.

SEX MODE: Find a fun sex toy at your local bakery.

ALTERNATE SEX MODE: Find a fun sex toy at the hardware store.

HEAVY METAL SEX MODE: Find a fun sex toy in a medical catalog.

TRANNY MODE: Do it the way you did it before you transitioned.

GANDHI MODE: Get together with, or help put together, a group of people

who agree on which part of the master’s house needs to be dismantled.

Reach consensus on how to dismantle it without using any of the master’s

tools.

45. COME OUT, COME OUT, WHATEVER YOU ARE.

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It’s always worth the risk to come out of whatever closet we’ve been

keeping ourselves in. But each of us is entitled to make the decision about

just how and when to do it.

We keep secrets about ourselves when we’re afraid that if someone knew,

they would stop loving us and/or start hurting us. While it’s true that some

people are going to say good-bye, there will be people who are going to say

hello, just because you’re being a you that you’ve always wanted to be. And

you’ve seen enough television and movies, and read enough books or

graphic novels to know that it takes a lot of work to keep a secret about

your identity from those who love you. Keeping a secret, staying in some

closet, never expressing some loving part of ourselves can drain our energy

to the point of exhaustion. And then there’s all the paranoia about someone

finding out. It makes you jumpy. So, come on out. You don’t have to come

out to everyone all at once. Start by coming out to someone that other

people have safely come out to.

And remember, just because you come out as something, that doesn’t

mean you have to always keep on being that. You can always come out as

something else later.

46. FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

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If you were in this picture, who would you be?

I swear, there’s someone out there for you to love. He, she, or they are out

there someplace looking for you. But no one is going to love you exactly

the way you are until you love you exactly the way you are. So, how do you

love yourself? Louise Hay says it would be very brave of you if you were to

say, “I love you just the way you are” in the mirror three times a day. For

more affirmations, see her book You Can Heal Your Life.

ZEN MODE: Become the kind of person you want to fall in love with.

Make a list of what’s important in a lover, and work on being that yourself.

See Be the Person You Want To Find by Cheri Huber.

47. FIND A FRIEND.

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You can do it. Finding a friend is like finding anything else. You just keep

looking until someone shows up in your life who’s genuinely glad to see

you. Then, you take a deep breath, open up, and let someone in at whatever

level of friendship makes you both comfortable.

One of the most difficult things about being a recognizable freak or

outsider is the loneliness. It’s harder to make friends.

One of the best things about being a recognizable freak or

outsider is that your best friends don’t mind, and usually even

appreciate, a lot of the weird stuff about you.

No matter who you are or what you do, there are people who would like

to spend time with you. Whenever you’re feeling lonely, just take a moment

to consider how many different friends are really possible in your life. A

friend can be a political ally, a classmate, a mentor, or a lover. You can

make friends at the library, a potluck, at Good Vibrations or a Toys In

Babeland store, or in a twelve-step meeting. Just go do what interests you,

and before long you’ll be doing that with other people who have the same

interests.

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If you were in this picture, who would you be?

PRACTICE MODE: Practice friendship with pets, imaginary friends, dolls,

action figures, stuffed animals, and video games. And you do have a friend

in Jesus, as well as in Mohammed, Moses, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Mary

Baker Eddy, L. Ron Hubbard, and any other spiritual guide, angel, or

demon who listens and/or speaks to you.

ADVANCED MODE: Try to structure your life so it includes friends from a

wide range of your life’s experiences, and from a wide diversity of

identities.

48. FIND YOUR TRIBE.

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Tribes are about family and community. You have every right to the kind of

loving parent/child or sibling relationship you’ve always wanted to have,

whether it’s in addition to your family of birth or instead of it. No matter

how old you are, there are kind souls in the world who’d love to be your

daddy, mommy, son, daughter, puppy, kitten, or baby. You could find

someone who would be a wonderful big brother or little brother. You could

find a big sister or kid sister. You could even find your evil twin, or a couple

of kissin’ cousins. All these kinds of tribal and familial love exist in the

world for you. You just have to go looking.

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If you were in this picture, who would you be?

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MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRICE: Sometimes we give up some of our

individuality in order to be accepted into some tribe or so that we can

become the kind of person that someone else wants us to be. It’s not a good

situation to be in for any length of time. Use #15, Run a diagnostic

program, every now and then and #37, Keep moving on, if it comes to that.

49. FIND A GOD WHO BELIEVES IN YOU.

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Postmodern identities that require deities require postmodern deities. If

you’re thinking that life isn’t worth living in part because God doesn’t

approve of something that you are or that you’re doing, it’s time you find

yourself a God who likes people like you. Look around. There are perfectly

lovely deities who watch over nature, science, and art. There are deities

who will support you on pretty much any career path you choose to take. As

a postmodern identity surfer, you’ll find new Gods and Goddesses to bless

each new identity you take on. Do be sure to say a respectful farewell to the

Gods and Goddesses you leave behind.

Here are some good questions to ask on your quest for a God who

believes in you:

♦ Is it possible that there are Gods and Goddesses out there besides the

one you’ve been believing in?

♦ Have you heard of any other Gods or Goddesses who give their

followers a better deal at life than your God is giving you?

♦ Does the culture you live and work in worship a deity or deities who

look and act like you?

♦ Have you heard of any other deities who do look and act like you?

Have you looked hard?

♦ Who is your deity or deities, and what are they doing for you right

now? In what currency and how much are you paying them for what

they do?

♦ If your world came down to intelligent design, what is the nature of

your God’s intelligence? Do you want to be intelligent like that?

♦ Who exactly is the God who’s being worshipped by the people who

are giving you trouble? How does their God want to be worshipped,

and what is their God doing for them, do you think, that makes Him

worth their worship?

ZEN MODE: Believe in no single creator God, but that anything else is

possible.

WICCAN MODE: Believe in Gods and Goddesses in nature, and in elves,

faeries and other wee folk when they give you cause or comfort to believe

in them.

BIOLOGICAL EVOLUTIONARY MODE: Use wild, wacky sex and

gender positive nature as your deity. Read Evolution’s Rainbow: Diversity,

Gender and Sexuality in Nature and People by my smart friend and

colleague, Joan Roughgarden.

RECOMMENDED: Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse and Jean Shinoda

Bolen’s Goddesses in Everywoman and Gods in Everyman. Play Black &

White, the video game.

50. BE YOUR OWN HERO/INE.

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No matter what genre or generation we’re talking about, superhero/ines are

always outsiders, mutants, and/or freaks. It is their particular superpower

that substantiates their freakishness. Their ability to navigate the world in

spite of their shocking difference is part of what makes them super.

When the universe took away your respectable identity membership card,

it gave you a miraculous gift in exchange: the precise superpowers you

need in order to rescue yourself from suffering and keep living in this

world. And like all truly great hero/ines, your life’s mission, should you

choose to accept it, is to discover your own superpowers and then use them

to help end suffering for everyone. Start looking for your superpowers right

now. You’ll find them very close to whatever it is that’s keeping you on the

outside of things.

51. BE YOUR OWN EVIL TWIN.

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If being good isn’t helping you handle your life, then be bad. Your evil twin

is the perfect identity to call on when you want to break a stupid rule for the

first time. The best evil twins on television and in the movies are always

braver, sexier, and lots more fun anyway. Cover your bases safetywise, lay

down the don’t-be-mean ground rule, and then let your evil twin run the

show for a while.

ADVANCED MODE: Be you and your evil twin at the same time. See #91,

Believe in your own paradox.

52. BECOME A MORE FRIGHTENING MONSTER THAN

THE ONE THEY THINK YOU ARE.

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If people knew the real you, would they run screaming from the room?

Well, whatever kind of monster they think you are, it’s probably safe to say,

you’re really much more terrifying. Sometimes we like to look freaky.

Sometimes we like to blend in. It’s our choice. But shifting from one to

another keeps people from figuring out who or what we are.

The cultural monster here at the turn of the century is the shape-shifter.

Being an outsider isn’t what makes us monstrous. We are monsters because

we’re so good at either revealing our monstrosity, or keeping it hidden

when we want to.

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It’s when we become something the über-culture can’t quite put its finger

on that we know we’re being a worse monster than the one they think we

are. In this culture, that’s a crime. You have to match your photo ID. So, go

ahead. Be a chameleon. Enjoy yourself. Play safe, and try not to scare the

little children.

EXTRA CREDIT: Write an essay, poem, recipe, film or performance piece

on this question: if a culture’s monsters reflect it’s greatest fears, what does

it say about über-American culture that its monsters are for the most part

shape-shifters and mutants?

53. BE CUTE OR BE DASHING.

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When you spend a lot of your time dodging arrows, it’s good to have a

friendly way to disarm the archers. Cute doesn’t mean weak, subservient, or

incapable of protecting oneself. To the contrary, cute is distinctively capable

of inflicting serious damage. Porcupines are super cute, but you wouldn’t

want to fuck with one.

Cute and dashing are age-free, race-free, class-free and gender-free

identities. You don’t need any particular look to be cute or dashing—it’s

cross-cultural. You don’t need to spend money on any particular

accessories. Like most things, they work best if you don’t force it. So, get

on out there and be cute or dashing.

ADVANCED MODE: Be gracious or be gallant.

54. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID.

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Use your fear like a compass. Each time I walk toward what’s scaring me

most—and keep on walking toward it—I end up walking right through that

fear to some other side where I am no longer afraid. And every time that

happens, there’s another fear waiting for me on the other side. And I bitch

and moan and then start walking toward this new fear, and it always gets

scarier and scarier until finally I’m through to yet another side with yet

another fear. It’s like a video game. The levels get harder and harder, but

you get better and better at playing.

RECOMMENDED: Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach and

Albert Brooks’s film Defending Your Life. (Watch out for Shirley

MacLaine’s cameo!

55. BE ORGASMICALLY CELIBATE.

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At some time, everyone needs, or just plain wants, some downtime from

sex with other people. For some people, that downtime can last our entire

lives. It doesn’t mean we’re damaged or that we’ve got a history of sexual

abuse, although it could mean either.

Wanting a break from sex with other people doesn’t mean you need to do

without sex. Sexual energy is healing, comforting, strengthening energy,

and sometimes we just need to stoke our own fires. That’s a good and

natural and even healthy thing to do. You are chock full of yummy sexual

energy, and you don’t have to share it with anyone.

RECOMMENDED: Start with the classic book Sex for One: The Joy of

Self-Loving by Betty Dodson. For more resources, visit the websites of

Planned Parenthood, Toys in Babeland, and Good Vibrations.

56. GET LAID. PLEASE.

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There is no legitimate moral, spiritual, or physical reason you shouldn’t

have some great sex if that’s what you want. Keep in mind, however, that

there may be legal implications depending on your age and the kind of sex

you’ve got in mind. There are only three rules you need to follow for

carefree, guilt-free safer sex of any kind: be consensual, don’t be mean, and

use safer sex guidelines.

When you follow these rules, you get to toss out any of your older rules

about sex. You are chock full of yummy sexual energy, and you can share it

safely, sanely, respectfully, and consensually whenever and with whomever

you like. I draw the line at sex between children and adults. I don’t see that

one working at all.

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Sex can be right this minute or next year some time. You get to decide. And

you get to change your mind about that whenever you want to.

Sex can be a passionless quickie.

Sex can be any way you imagine it can be.

Sex doesn’t have to be any way you don’t want it to be.

Sex doesn’t have to be with one person over a long period of time, or even

with one person at a time.

Sex doesn’t have to be with anyone but yourself. You get to control the guest

list.

Sex doesn’t have to happen with anyone of any particular race, religion,

gender, age, class, education level or body type.

Sex doesn’t have to be for free. You can buy, sell or trade sex for things if

you need and want to do that.

Sex doesn’t mean you’re a slut or a whore, unless of course that’s what

you’d like to be.

Sex doesn’t have to be genital, and you don’t have to do it in private.

Sex doesn’t have to end with an orgasm for everyone.

During sex, you can be any gender, age, race, class, animal, object, or alien

life form that you’d like to be as long as you both or all agree that that’s

what you’re safely and respectfully being together.

Sex doesn’t have to be in the missionary position.

Sex doesn’t have to happen on a bed in a bedroom in the dark.

Sex can be really yummy, sicko, gross, painful, scary, bloody, and/or

degrading when you all or both agree to do it that way safely and

respectfully together.

Sex can be hilariously funny.

Sex can be a lovely gift you give someone or someone gives you.

Sex can be a blessing, a prayer, and a generous act of healing.

Sex can involve costumes, props, and a script.

Sex can be as soon as you put down this book or while you’re still holding

it.

57. SAY PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

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Okay, so you’re someone who doesn’t fit in. That doesn’t mean you have to

be surly about it. The very best outlaws are the charming ones, anyway. So,

be well mannered. Chicks and moms love it, and guys will want to do guy

bonding with you. Thank you is a great and easy way to feel better. When

anyone gives you a compliment, take a moment to hear it, enjoy it, and say

thank you. Try it for a week. See if please and thank you make a difference

in your outlaw life.

ADVANCED MODE: Become gracious and be a lady, or become gallant

and be a gentleman. See #43, Act your gender or any other.

WAY ADVANCED MODE: Say, “I’m sorry,” and ask people to apologize

to you.

58. SERVE SOMEBODY.

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When I run out of reasons to stay alive for my own sake, it always helps to

donate a substantial part of my life to the service of somebody else.

All my life I’ve wanted to be useful. I’ve always wanted to help. I’ve

wanted to make people smile or laugh. My two most intense periods of

service have been my twelve years of willing and eager service to the

Church of Scientology and my ten months of willing and eager

sadomasochistic service to two phenomenal dykes. I don’t know which

makes me look crazier in the eyes of the dominant culture. But I do know

that the times of my life I’ve spent in service have been the happiest times

of my life, and I don’t regret a minute of it. Giving is a most humbling and

rewarding experience, and is a wonderful reason to go on living.

59. EROTICIZE THE PAIN.

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Sometimes, the only way to deal with pain is to transform it into erotic

energy. What’s erotic energy? You get to decide, but it’s in the general area

of yum.

Try doing this: Pinch your arm. While it’s still hurting, mentally

transform the pain into warmth. Just decide that what you’re feeling is

warmth and direct that warmth into your heart, where it feels good. Once

you can regularly transform pain and direct it to your heart as warmth, start

directing your transformed pain to other places in your body. You can direct

warm, healing energy to any muscle, bone, or organ you’ve got. That’s all

there is to it. This alternative works best when you know and/or you’re

willing to test your limits.

60. BAKE A CAKE.

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Oh, go ahead. It’s fun and easy! You can bake it from scratch or out of a

box. You can do it solo or with a friend or family members. You give pieces

to people or you could even eat the whole darned thing yourself. The eat-it-

all-yourself option works up to a point, and then it becomes something you

wanna stop doing. See #61, Eat it all and keep it down, which happens to be

next.

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61. EAT IT ALL AND KEEP IT DOWN.

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Too much fat on your body can be hard on your heart, your back, and your

knees. But sometimes this seems like the only alternative to being

miserable. A lot of people go through eating binges. I always have. It’s

when we know what we’re eating isn’t good for us and that it’s too much to

be eating. Often, we even pass the point of enjoying what we’re eating, and

anxiety about that starts to creep in.

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It’s a stopgap. I wish I could easily stop overeating, but it usually takes

me noticing that all my clothes are too tight and that I’ve put on ten pounds

before I start swinging the other way. Try to overeat with friends so that you

can slow each other down from time to time.

RECOMMENDED: Overeaters Anonymous didn’t work for me. But I am a

lifetime member of Weight Watchers, which has given me a realistic,

balanced, and thoroughly fulfilling way to eat.

Alternatives to eating that have worked for me are #58, Serve somebody;

#15, Run a diagnostic program; and #16, Find out what you look like. As a

last resort, there’s always #81, Starve yourself.

62. STAY IN BED.

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You know this works, so go ahead. Don’t feel so guilty about it. There

always have been, and always will be, days in your life when it’s just better

to stay in bed. The great news is you get better at giving in to the inevitable,

and you stop feeling guilty.

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I settle in with a bowl of cream of tomato soup and a box of Cheez-Its,

and I watch an entire season of Buffy on DVD. Go, rest.

ARE YOU A LAZYBONES? You know what’s a reasonable length of time

for you to be completely zoned out, so set an alarm and when the alarm

goes off, try #33, Stop fucking around and get to work.

ALREADY IN BED? If you’re confined to bed, and reality is no place you

want to be living in, you can go to Tahiti in your mind, or to any other place

you’d like to visit. See #40, Make believe, and #91, Believe in your own

paradox.

63. TRAVEL AND HAVE ADVENTURES.

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Outlaws and outcasts tend to wander like the lost tribes of Israel, searching

for a home—someplace where our bodies, hearts, and souls aren’t in thrall

to some heartless, soulless über-culture. I travel to evade the grasp of that

über-culture and its bullies, and sometimes I travel just for the heck of it.

It’s how I stay amused by and interested in living an outlaw life.

FIRST-AID MODE: Take a sentimental journey to someplace where you

feel better or remember great times.

ZEN MODE: Travel without a destination.

ALTERNATE ZEN MODE: Travel without moving.

WOO-WOO MODE: When a physical journey isn’t possible, take a journey

along some elemental path of emotions, body, mind, will, and/or spirit. Use

Tarot cards to keep track of your travels. The four suits represent the

journeys we take through our emotions, the physical world, our mind’s

growth, and the state of our will. There are four face cards in each suit,

usually drawn as kings, queens, knights, and pages. I use the four face cards

to represent different ages: elders, adults, adolescents, and children. The

Tarot also includes twenty-two major arcana cards, numbered zero to

twenty-one, which represent a spiritual journey ranging from complete

innocence to complete worldliness.

SPECIAL BONUS FEATURE!

Be the first on your block to build the Hello, Cruel Tarot Deck!

Get an old Tarot deck, preferably one with pictures you like. Tape over the

words. For the face cards, choose one identity each from the child,

adolescent, adult, and elder identities found in #42, Act your age or any

other, and write it on the tape you’ve placed on each face card. For the

twenty-two major arcana, you can use the twenty-two outlaw values from

#89, Shatter some family values.

The journey of Pentacles, the suit that represents the physical plane,

including your body.

1. Opportunity

2. Responsibility

3. Craft

4. Corporation

5. Rage

6. Borders

7. Illusion

8. Waste

9. Peace

10. Generosity

The journey of Swords, the suit that represents your mind, including

language.

1. Identity

2. Consequence

3. Hierarchy

4. Culture

5. Fame

6. Purity

7. Struggle

8. Burn out

9. Humiliation

10. Self-sacrifice

The journey of Wands, the suit that represents willpower and intentions.

1. Power

2. Opposition

3. Union

4. Isolation

5. Madness

6. Passage

7. Exchange

8. Good-bye

9. Compromise

10. Empathy

The journey of Cups, the suit that represents emotions and feelings.

1. Hello

2. Question

3. Harmony

4. Family

5. Grief

6. Comfort

7. Excess

8. Risk

9. Fulfillment

10. Delight

Each card is a step on a journey. If you’re stuck or lost, try to spot the card

closest to where you are. The very next card may well be what you need in

order to feel better. Similarly, numbered cards are in harmony with each

other, so a card of the same number in another suit may work even better as

a next step in your journey.

RECOMMENDED: Any book by the merry mistress of Tarot, my dear

friend Rachel Pollack, to whom this alternative is lovingly dedicated.

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But wait! What’s the use of having a spiritual path if you can’t

customize it for your own spirit?!

Eventually, your favorite pathways through your emotions, body,

mind, will, and spirit will emerge, and you’ll replace my words and

ideas with your own. And I think that’s how the world is supposed

to get better and better for each of us having lived in it.

64. GO ON A QUEST.

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A quest is your agreement to set out on a journey and to keep on going until

you meet up with some great Ah-HAH! Go ahead. Nothing’s stopping you.

If you know what it is you’re in search of, just walk out the door and start

looking. The odds are good that anything that catches your attention will be

some kind of clue. Or, if walking isn’t an option, start Web surfing, or get

someone to share their favorite books with you. Or, go chase a rabbit down

some hole.

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If you were in this picture, who would you be?

When you’ve discovered something, come on back and tell the rest of us.

OPTIONAL PREPATORY STEP: #5, Finish your homework first.

RECOMMENDED: That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You to Seek by

Cheri Huber.

65. GO SHOPPING.

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Going shopping to make yourself feel better doesn’t always work, but it’s

worth a try. You don’t have to buy anything; you could just look. But if you

get the urge to buy something you can’t afford or don’t even need or want,

take a moment to figure out how buying that and having that would make

you feel. Then take another moment to figure out how to give yourself that

same feeling without doing the buying. Sometimes that works for me. See

#40, Make believe.

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RECOMMENDED: I Want That! by Thomas Hine, and We Know What You

Want by Douglas Rushkoff.

66. GO STEALTH.

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Every outlaw, freak, or outsider dreams at one time or another of passing

for normal, and not having to deal with the staring and the questions and the

laughing and the harassment.

Moments of stealth are moments free from all that. After spending a lot

of time looking over your shoulder to see if you’re being followed, there’s

nothing like the wonder and relief of looking at the world through a

“normal” pair of eyes.

The trick to managing your personal integrity while going stealth is to

work at being the same you, no matter what else you’re being. Keep

adjusting degrees of stealth in different parts of your life until you wind up

with the most opportunities for having a whole lot of harmless fun. It takes

time, but it works. See #98, Learn moderation in all things.

RECOMMENDED: T-Gina comics at www.t-gina.com. Artist Gina

Kamentsky tackles issues of stealth vs. visible outlaw with delightful good

humor and compassion.

67. GO FOR IT AGAINST ALL ODDS.

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Going for it against all odds is one of the cooler things that humans seem to

do naturally. It doesn’t necessarily mean going for it right now, and it

doesn’t have to mean putting every bit of your energy into it until you have

no more left. Going for it against all odds can simply mean moving forward

or standing still with persistence, and understanding that every move you

make in your life—no matter what it is—can always be a move in the

direction of achieving your dream.

Take inspiration from your favorite mythical, supernatural, or fantastical

characters who keep hurling themselves against impossible obstacles and

emerging triumphant. Do a thorough Internet search to discover the

strategies they use. Let what you find inspire you to use the same tactics to

search for an identity you enjoy being that is persistent, brave, or foolish

enough to tackle your greatest fears and reach for your greatest dreams.

68. GO COMPLETELY BATTY.

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Madness is an unconscious coping mechanism we develop either to

compensate for something we’re lacking or to make up for something

we’ve got too much of. Madness runs the gamut from sweet, happy,

peaceful la-la land to far beyond the scariest thing we can think of. All it

takes is one more step or one more plug into your already overloaded

sockets.

When life is seriously overwhelming, it’s okay to check out if that’s

what’s going to keep you alive. Sometimes diving into our deepest madness

is the only reason or way to stay alive. If that’s the case, try to find yourself

a doctor, healer, or loving community of friends who will help you descend

into your madness and return in one piece.

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But wait! Before you dive into whatever frightening pit of demons and

grasping devils awaits you, try consciously checking out first. It can help

with the pain, whether it’s physical or emotional. When I’m in pain, I have

a place I try to visualize. It’s a little island off the coast of Maine in the

northeast United States. It’s not much of an island; you can see from one

end of it to the other. But there’s a dock where seals come to play. There are

a few trees where some friendly raccoons live. And all the animals I’ve ever

lived with are there. And by the time I visualize all of that, the pain is pretty

much gone—or I’m gone from it. It’s a form of conscious madness called

visualization.

WHAT IF YOU’VE REALLY GOT IT ALL TOGETHER? Maybe there’s a

version of someone else’s madness that would make your life better to live.

Try to choose a madness that makes you feel better and that best lines up

with your life’s dream.

RECOMMENDED: Girl, Interrupted (the movie and the book). The films

The Fisher King, and King of Hearts. Anything Tori Amos. For

wonderfully intricate and magically transforming tales of diving into

madness, try the Tales from the Flat Earth series by Tanith Lee. The Little

Endless Storybook written and illustrated by Jill Thompson is a warm tale

about safeguarding madness.

69. GO ON A SERIAL SUICIDE SPREE.

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Laugh at your own funeral, dance on your own grave, and then skip off to

live a whole new life. Don’t kill yourself! Kill off the part of you that badly

needs to die.

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Of course you are simply you, but you are also many versions of you that

you create to deal with the world: You are the you that you are with your

friends. You are the you that you are with a bully.

You are the you that you are with your parents, your boss and your lover(s).

Some of the you’s that you’ve created are like Frankenstein’s monster.

You tried, but you goofed. Other you’s might be really creepy. They

embody selfish, mean, or self-destructive parts of you, rather than the

loving parts of who you are. Maybe you’re feeling ashamed or guilty about

that particular you. Well, kill that you off! It’s as easy as one-two-three!

ONE: Make a list of the qualities that describe who that unwanted part of

you is, what that part of you does, and the values that part of you hangs on

to. Give that part of you a name.

TWO: Figure out the sweetest way it could die.

THREE: Kill it the way it’s always wanted to die.

DEBUG MODE: Having trouble finding different parts of yourself? Use

#42, Act your age or any other, and #43, Act your gender or any other.

70. GET A MAKEOVER.

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People have been marking and changing their bodies for thousands of years

and for almost as many reasons. It’s no big deal. Still, when you cross the

line into what the culture considers body modifications inappropriate to

who and what they expect you to be, you brand yourself an outsider.

Regardless, there are good reasons to mark or change your body, both

temporarily and permanently. Aside from reasons of health or strength, I’ve

changed or marked my body for all of the following:

To remember

To remind

To honor

To welcome

To amuse

To sanctify

To show respect

To blend in better

To proclaim

To mark as property

To reveal

To beautify

To encourage

To attract

To repel

To inspire

To belong

To enjoy

To shock

For the sex

For the pain

If you’re changing your body more radically than trimming your hair or

toning up your muscles, here are some questions you’re going to want to

have good answers for:

Why do you want to change or mark yourself?

How permanent would you like the mark or change to be?

From what emotional space are you making your decision to mark

or change your body?

How much pain are you willing to endure?

How will your body modification affect your ability to navigate

different cultures?

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71. GEEK OUT.

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Are you obsessed with computers, science, comic books, gaming,

spaceships, weird science, or revolution? Are you more comfortable with a

keyboard than you are with face-to-face conversation? Do you speak

Klingon better than you do English? Great! With that point of view, you’re

going to discover new ways to create art, to play a better game, and to

subvert the dominant paradigm, or just plain make yourself feel better

geeking out, and that’s the whole geeking point, isn’t it?

RECOMMENDED: Check out www.geekculture.com. Say hey to Snaggy

and Nitrozac for me.

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72. GIVE UP NOUNS FOR A DAY.

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Nothing remains in the same state or place. That’s not a chair you’re sitting

on, it’s chairing. Right now, that collection of molecules in motion is

continuously forming itself into a chair, over and over again. After a while,

some of those molecules get tired of being part of a chair, and they drop off

to become something else. That’s called decay. Recovering addicts and

alcoholics get this when they say, “this too shall pass.” Spend a day without

using any nouns and write down your observations.

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73. MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF IN THE WORLD.

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You don’t have to use or put up with a name for yourself that doesn’t make

you feel good. You get to name yourself. If a name works for you

someplace in the world but not in other places, you get to use multiple

names. Outlaws have been doing that for a long time. Like cats, we change

the names we respond to. We change names to shift who we are, or to signal

the nature of our desire, or to signal how we want to exercise power within

a given sphere. Whatever it is you call yourself, it had better be as flexible

as you’d like yourself to be.

EXERCISE: Make a list of all the names you go by and all the names that

other people call you. Use #38, Cast a spell, to cast out the names you no

longer want to use and another spell to protect the names you want to be

known by. Keep one name for yourself only.

74. FRAME YOUR OWN DEBATE.

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Is someone calling you fag, dyke, fatso, nigger, queer, whore, spick,

geek, chink, nerd, beaner, kike, or freak? Any combination of these?

These words will bother you a whole lot less when you stop

buying into the system that allows this oppression as an option.

If some system or other is making it difficult for you to be accepted, much

less celebrated, for who and what you are, then opt out. Find the courage to

call out its blind spots and refuse to acknowledge its narrow, oppressive

framework.

When someone calls you a name, and you say, “No, I’m not that!” you keep

the name in place. At best, your denial only identifies you as not being the

name, rather than as being the wonderful something else that you are.

I know that terms like fag, dyke, guy in a dress, man and woman can’t

come close to properly defining who and what I am. So, I’ve been working

at reframing the system of gender that insists on these classifications.

Reframing is a lot like redefining. It’s about positioning yourself in a way

that does not play into the hands of a culture that wants to diminish you.

When I’m called names now, it’s as though they come at me in slow

motion, giving me time to easily dodge them, like Neo or Trinity in The

Matrix trilogy. I’m not claiming I can do this every time, but I’m getting

better and better at it.

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ADVANCED MODE: Once you’ve reframed a debate, get your new frame

more widely agreed upon in order to shift the paradigm of a group or your

home, school, business, or country. See #95, Play to a broader audience,

and #92, Choose your battles wisely.

RECOMMENDED: For more on the mechanics of framing a debate and

how it applies to national politics, read Don’t Think of an Elephant by

George Lakoff. And do watch The Matrix trilogy a couple of times. It’s a

great reframing of American bully culture.

75. USE ANOTHER WORD FOR HELLO.

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Do you know what “hello” means? I don’t. And I find it a little scary that

we’re a culture of people who greet each other with a word that no one

understands. Try greeting people differently. Say what you mean when you

see someone. If you don’t know someone, you can always wish them a

good morning, good afternoon, or good evening. Namaste (NAH-mah-stay)

is a good word to use. Roughly, it means, “I see that you and I share a

common spirit and that pleases me.” Spend a day greeting people in some

way that genuinely expresses your happiness in seeing them. See if that

makes a difference in your mood.

76. LEARN ANOTHER LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

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Relationships have a lot to do with the coevolution of a language, or

languages, that make it safe to say what we mean, and trust that we’re being

heard. If you want to understand your lover or lovers, and you want them to

understand you, you’ll need to share several languages so that you may

communicate verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually about power,

identity, and desire. A safe language would mean that you and your lover

have a way to tell each other what you want, what you don’t want, what

you’re willing to try, and what your limits are—whether it’s sex you’re

talking about, or living arrangements, or finances, or anything else. Both of

you have the right to say yes, no, stop, and slow down. Here are some other

basic words and phrases for you and your lover(s) to know and agree on:

Hello.

I’m not going to hurt you.

Am I interrupting?

May I join you?

Where are your boundaries?

Here are my boundaries.

What pleases you?

This is what pleases me.

I’ve enjoyed this time with you.

I do not want to see you again.

Please.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

and my favorite . . .

Thank you, Sir. May I have

another?

IMPORTANT: Sometimes, despite your charm, intelligence, and

great good looks, there will be people you’re attracted to who are

not attracted to you. The reason he, she or they said no may have

very little to do with you. Let go and move on. Someone just as neat

or better is out there looking for you. See #46, Find the love of your

life.

77. FLIRT WITH DEATH.

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This is not a smart thing to do. But we all do it once. We’ll stick a

screwdriver into an electrical socket or smoke in bed. Or we’ll stand closer

and closer to the railroad tracks each time a train is coming. Some people

still have unprotected sex. Some people try crack cocaine. Some people

take painkillers before they go to an S/M play party. Have you ever done

anything like that? Did you like it? Wanna do it again? It’s only barely an

alternative to killing yourself. Try doing it via a film or video game first,

please. But if you must flirt with Death, I expect you to remember your

manners and be a perfect lady or gentleman, regardless of your gender.

FLIRTING DO’S AND DON’TS:

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Study Death. Every girl likes to know her beau has made an effort

to get to know her better.

Smile! No one—not even Death—likes to hang out with a grumpy

poo-poo head! Put a smile on your face using the emotional scale

and instructions in the Hello, Cruel Quick-Start Guide. Remember,

the best time to flirt with Death is when you’re feeling best about

your life!

Study Birth. It’s also part of Death’s job, and she’ll be delighted

that you’re taking an interest in her work.

Don’t push Death! If Death isn’t flirting back, take the hint and

stop it. Go flirt with Life instead.

There are more tips on flirting with Death in these films: Boys Don’t Cry,

Secretary, All That Jazz, Crash (Cronenberg), Fight Club, and High Art.

And read anything at all by Heather Lewis, because this alternative is

lovingly dedicated to her memory.

78. MAKE IT BLEED.

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For thousands of years and across many cultures, outcasts, outlaws, freaks,

and holy people have cut themselves for a variety of harmless reasons

they’ve felt to be important. I am a cutter and a masochist. I don’t cut

myself because I hate myself or any particular part of my body, but I started

out that way.

Cutting yourself is a valid alternative to killing yourself if you feel it

is your least self-harming option, but it can quickly spiral out of

control. If you’re cutting—or if you’re thinking about it—it doesn’t

make you a bad person. But what’s your reason for cutting? To heal?

To feel? To punish? There are other, safer ways to do all those

things. Please do not start cutting yourself if you can help it.

I cut because when I see my blood, it reminds me that I’m alive. Or I cut

myself to mark the deaths of loved ones. I cut to make my anguish, grief, or

rage leave my body through my blood. Or I cut to proclaim myself a

warrior.

So bleed, if that’s what it takes to keep you alive another day. If you’re

going to cut yourself, please try to cut with conscious self-love, never with

self-loathing. If you’re doing that, or you’re cutting yourself out of anger or

disgust, or you feel that it’s getting out of control, see a doctor because

you’re in over your head and you need help.

79. TAKE DRUGS. NO, REALLY. TAKE DRUGS.

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Drugging yourself is a valid alternative to killing yourself, but

taking drugs without medical or spiritual supervision can easily put

you in the position of doing dumb and sometimes harmful things to

yourself and to others. If you’re doing drugs—or if you’re thinking

about doing drugs—it doesn’t make you a bad person. Doing illegal

drugs does make you a criminal, and it can land you in jail.

However dumb that is, it’s something you want to keep in mind.

There is a drug out there that will make you feel better. That’s both the good

news and the bad news. Any debate about drugs comes down to this

formula: if I put X into my body, I will feel Y. Well, everything you put into

your body makes you feel this way or that. If you want to feel better and

you find yourself unable to answer any of the following questions about

something you want to put into your body, try putting something more self-

loving into your body instead:

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What is it about your life that taking a drug would make better? I’m not

saying don’t take drugs. I’m just saying that if you don’t answer this

question, you’ll never have a good reason to judge if your drug of choice is

working or not. I’ll tell you this much: drugs will not cure your race, age,

class, gender, sexuality, popularity, or tax problems.

What is the least harmful substance you can take into your body to make

yourself feel better? Please, don’t take Vicodin if nicotine will do the trick.

And don’t take either of those without first trying a nice calming cup of

herbal tea. Try to make do with the least harmful drug you can come up

with for whatever it is that’s ailing you. How can you tell if a drug is

harmful? Some drugs will work the first time, the second time, the third

time, and maybe even more times after that. Then you’ll start to need a

larger dose to get the same feeling. If that happens, stop taking that drug. It

is not a good drug for you, no matter how good it feels or how much it hurts

to stop taking it.

How long do you keep on taking it? Remember, no single alternative to

killing yourself is going to work all the time. What alarm are you setting

yourself to let you know it’s time to switch to another way to keep yourself

alive?

How do you stop? Before you start, talk with people who’ve stopped. Read

their stories. Are you prepared to do the kinds of things they’ve done to

stop?

Look, if you are so scared or so hurting or so anything that you just want to

get away from it all and none of the other alternatives in this book seem to

be working for you, please go see a qualified psychiatrist, nutritionist, or

health practitioner. There may be something safe you can take that will

make you feel better, and it doesn’t cost a million dollars or your soul. But

if you tried that and it still didn’t work, I’d be a damned mean fool to tell

you that killing yourself is better than taking drugs. But here are some

things you might want to keep in mind before you take stronger drugs:

♦ There’s no guarantee you’ll be able to stop. Ever.

♦ Most drugs are illegal to consume or sell. Are you prepared to face

the consequences if you are caught?

♦ Drugs of any kind will likely make you less capable of connecting

and communicating well with anyone.

♦ Taking any kind of drug, including steroids, will make it difficult for

you to work your body well in relationship to your surroundings.

♦ Hallucinogens are rarely fun by yourself. They’re much cooler with

a spiritually oriented, experienced guide. Why? If you’re taking any

kind of hallucinogen, boiling hot water might look to you like a

cool, refreshing, babbling brook—or the fiery depths of Hell itself.

You’re never really sure.

♦ While you’re on drugs, including caffeine and sugar, you can act

pretty stupid. With every drug you take, it’s likely that you won’t

know that you’re not communicating or acting well in the world.

♦ Every single drug you might want to take to feel better comes with

some degree of physical addiction. That means your body will

constantly be telling you it wants and needs more, and it’ll make

you sick to some degree if you don’t get it.

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♦ Please don’t share needles. You could end up with the latest plague

and a whole other set of problems to deal with on top of the

problems you’re taking the drugs to avoid dealing with in the first

place. Find yourself a needle exchange program.

♦ And what about the cost of drugs? They get very expensive. You

might indeed resort to stealing from people in order to pay for them.

Is that something you’re prepared to do?

Good luck.

80. GET CLEAN OR SOBER, STAY DIRTY OR DRUNK.

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WARNING: Reading this may act as a trigger if you are working on

a rigorous program of recovery. And no one in their first year of

recovery should try it. I mean it. Get clean and sober. Do it. Me, I’m

twenty-five years sober, and for the last fifteen years I haven’t been

very clean. It doesn’t work for everyone.

PLEASE DON’T FUCK WITH THIS ONE IF YOU CAN HELP IT.

I’m no longer a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, though I still go to

meetings from time to time. When it comes to drugs, if they’re there, I’ll

usually do some. If they’re not, I won’t. That’s how I seem to be wired. Not

all AA members embrace me as sober, and they probably wouldn’t embrace

a stoned sober you. Just like Narcotics Anonymous members probably

wouldn’t embrace a drunk but clean you. But it’s worth going to a meeting

even if you aren’t gold-star clean and sober.

MESSAGE FOR SPONSORS: Please help your outlaw sponsee stay sober,

whether or not he, she, or ze is clean. Please help your sponsee stay clean

whether or not he, she, or ze is sober. I’m asking you to trust your sponsee

to handle it as long as he, she, or ze follows your program.

POSTMODERN MODE: Develop a workable meeting for pomoholics who

are trying to do it in the gray zone. But please . . . do not quit your twelve-

step day job until you know the new one works.

81. STARVE YOURSELF.

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Starving yourself is a valid alternative to killing yourself, but only

just barely. If you’re starving yourself either by not eating or by

throwing up what you eat—or if you’re thinking about doing that—

it doesn’t make you a bad person, but you do need medical help.

Use another alternative in this book to stay alive while you stop

doing this one. This alternative is the most deadly in the book.

How bad is it? Anorexia can kill you, and in most cases it does. If it doesn’t

kill you, it can cause permanent damage to any number of organs. The

organ most likely to get screwed up is your heart.

And what do you get out of starving yourself? Maybe some time of being

corpse thin. Disappear into thin air thin. But you can never enjoy it, because

you’re never thin enough. Ever. But you keep on trying. So, you get really

bad-looking thin. Sunken eyes, brittle bones, maybe your hair’s falling out,

but you’re too tired to notice or care and your body is covered with

something that isn’t quite feathers. Then you die, neither peacefully nor

painlessly. It’s really hard to find anything that’s less self-loving than

starving yourself.

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That said, I’ve been an active anoretic for the past forty years. My

anorexia is periodic, meaning it comes and it goes. I’ve been hospitalized

for anemia, which is what they called it when boys were anoretic in the

1960s. Not eating is something I can do that isn’t screaming or lashing out

at someone. My anorexia has kept me alive on several occasions when I just

wanted to die. It seems I can handle not eating like some people can handle

alcohol. You may or may not be that kind of anoretic. Either way, there is

no real payoff except the few more days it gives you to find some other

reason to stay alive.

Sometimes, to avoid completely starving myself, I stop eating overly

processed foods, sugar, and white flour. They aren’t good for you anyway.

But if cutting back on sweets or fats or carbohydrates or processed foods

doesn’t work, Weight Watchers always does. While I’m high on my

anorexia, it’s the hunger itself that triggers me further. They taught me how

to eat balanced, satisfying meals so that I can maintain a healthy weight

without ever being hungry, and it’s sort of fun being one of the few freaky

people in one of those meetings.

Remember, anorexia is gender free. Boys and men starve themselves,

too. Even heterosexual boys and men. It doesn’t mean they’re gay or

transsexual or anything but anoretic.

CYBER TIP: There are caring, affirmative online communities of people

with eating disorders. Some of them are all about getting over your eating

disorder. Some of them are about supporting you in your decision to live as

long as you can as an active anoretic or bulimic.

RECOMMENDED: There are a lot of good memoirs and personal

narratives. Wasted by Marya Hornbacher and the novel Hunger-point by

Jillian Medoff are both smart, scary, kind, and funny. See also the WGBH

Nova documentary Dying to Be Thin.

82. PLAY MUSICAL ADDICTIONS.

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What’s an addiction? Anything you do upon which you’re physically or

mentally dependent. If you’re addicted to something, it’s difficult to stop

without adverse effects.

I’ve got an addictive personality, which to me means that at any given

moment, one or another addiction is more or less active. It’s like that arcade

game, Whack-a-Mole, where you try to hit moles that pop up and down. It

finally dawned on me that I was unconsciously moving from one addiction

to another and that I could somehow harness this little ride and consciously

shift addictions. This is not the very best way to handle things, but it does

work in a pinch. Try to move toward less and less self-harming addictions if

you possibly can.

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83. PLEAD INSANITY.

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Instead of judging yourself guilty as much as you do, be the judge and find

yourself not guilty by reason of insanity. I learned that from a very sweet

gay Catholic priest. The Dalai Lama says something along the same lines.

When I saw him speak in New York City, someone asked him what to do

when you’ve done something really bad or you’ve made a big mistake.

“Forgive yourself,” he said, “and try to do better next time.”

IMPORTANT: If you’ve never felt guilty about anything, ever,

please tell that to a doctor or counselor or therapist. It’s like having

no feeling in your fingertips and resting them on a hot stove.

Everyone has some guilt. You’re just not feeling it, and it’s burning

the hell out of you even if you don’t know it.

84. DEFY PROPHECY.

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Many people are awfully fond of predicting what will happen to other,

especially younger, people. Most of their prophecies don’t amount to very

much at all. But every once in a while, someone else’s less-than-pleasant

prediction of our futures will match up exactly with our low self-esteem or

self-doubts, and we’ll begin to make someone else’s prophecy come true.

So, defy prophecy. Write down everything you can remember that

anyone predicted about what you would be, what you would do, or what

you would wind up with (or without) by the time you were the age you are

right now. Put a star by any of the predictions that came true. Put an X by

any that didn’t. And by those for which it’s too early to tell, put a question

mark. Next to each, write down the name of the person who said it. Which

are your truest prophets? Which are false?

At the time the predictions were made, which did you think would come

true? Were any of these predictions kind? Were any of them unrealistic

given who you were at the time? Now, of the predictions that may still

come true, put a heart next to the ones that make you feel better about

yourself. Write false in big letters through the predictions that make you

feel worse about yourself. Write realistic, fun prophecies to replace the false

ones.

85. THROW AWAY MORALS.

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Moral codes are the sociological equivalent of training wheels.

Theoretically, all moral restrictions could be lifted once people are

traversing the world more or less kindly. People would just be nice to each

other. Moral codes are useful only when we have descended to needing

them. The Ten Commandments or the Beatitudes come in handy when we

have to make an important decision, or when we’re under a great deal of

pressure, or when we’re thinking about killing ourselves or someone else.

We don’t have to think too hard, we just remember, “Thou shalt not kill.”

The problem with most moral codes today is that they don’t have much

to do with what’s actually good for people. They exist primarily to direct us

into predictable and controlled behaviors. People who write moral codes

into law don’t trust you. They think you and I have to be kept strictly in

line. That’s called a theocracy, and you don’t have to stand for it. It’s

healthier for your soul to live outside and above a degraded moral code than

within and beneath one.

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Prior to throwing away morals altogether, put together and live by your

own moral code—one that works and allows you to live a kind and

generous life. Make a list of all the moral rules you were raised with. Throw

away the ones that don’t work for you, and keep the ones that do. Once

you’re good at living within the boundaries of your own moral code, then

you can throw it away and simply get on with living a kind and generous

life.

RECOMMENDED: 1984 by George Orwell, The Handmaid’s Tale by

Margaret Atwood, and any version you like of the Tao Te Ching.

86. IGNORE THE GOLDEN RULE.

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My grrlfriend reminded me that there’s only one rule to follow in this book,

so the Golden Rule had to go. Besides, everyone else ignores the Golden

Rule. Why should you be the only poor slob who actually obeys it?

Let’s take this thing apart. The Golden Rule is an ethical command,

which makes it somewhat more significant than mere morals, which can

fluctuate with cultures and subcultures. The Golden Rule is supposed to

work for anyone. Do unto others as I would have them do unto me, but

which me? And frankly, I really enjoy having things done unto me that not

too many people would enjoy having done unto them. How about you?

Better to ignore the Golden Rule. If you’d like to follow the spirit of the

Golden Rule, just get into the habit of treating people better than they think

they deserve to be treated. That ought to make everyone feel just great.

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87. QUOTE SCRIPTURE FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES.

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You can’t just dismiss an entire movement or religion simply because part

of it is a little batty when it comes to people like you. Part of you is a little

batty when it comes to someone else. Yes, it can be more than a little

intimidating to find yourself and people like you being railed against in

some religious text. If some harmless joy of yours is forbidden or sneered at

in some scripture, you can safely assume that the scripture wasn’t written

for people like you, and you are under no obligation to subscribe to it.

Instead, go find yourself some scripture that you do agree with, and quote it

for your own purposes. Look at the quote in this illustration. The Bible says

there’s no such thing as male or female. I love that. You can find something

like that for yourself.

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DO-IT-YOURSELF SCRIPTURE FINDING: Study scripture and write

down all the quotes that support who and what you are in the world, and

what you believe in. Use them to make zines, stickers, and posters to your

heart’s delight.

ADVANCED MODE: Join a scripture discussion group of a religion that

disapproves of something you do in your life. Try to be as nice and

respectful as you can, please.

ADVANCED MODE, ON THE OTHER HAND: If, on the other hand, it’s

simply a huge relief to part with a religion’s scriptures and it’s painful to

review them, then go to #85, Throw away morals, and #48, Find your tribe.

RECOMMENDED: Sensuous Spirituality and Omnigender both by dear,

wise, handsome Virginia Ramey Mollenkott and The Women’s

Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets by Barbara Walker.

88. WRITE YOUR OWN CODE OF HONOR.

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There’s a lot to be said for a thief’s notions of honor, the pirates’ code, and

even the rules and regulations of old-school sadomasochists. But no one

else’s code of honor will work for you 100 percent. You’re just going to

have to come up with your own.

Codes of honor are simply guidelines we develop or subscribe to in order

to remind ourselves to do deeds we can be proud of, and to avoid doing

deeds we’re ashamed of. Why? Doing things we’re proud of makes us feel

worthwhile, noble, and good. Doing things we’re ashamed of makes us feel

depressed and suicidal. So it becomes important to decide whose definition

of shame we rely upon as a yardstick. You do not have to obey any code of

honor that asks you to kill yourself for any reason.

Patch together a code of honor for yourself from codes that already exist.

Study honorable people and deeds of honor. Look for the honor in everyone

you meet. Most outlaw subcultures develop their own codes of honor. Try

Googling “code of honor” and/or “honor code,” along with the name of the

outlaw culture you most resonate with. Carry your code of honor around

with you and refer to it from time to time, making changes and adjustments

as you need to.

89. SHATTER SOME FAMILY VALUES.

Sex and gender outlaws are often accused of attacking traditional American

family values. Look . . . Don’t kill anyone is a value. Don’t be a homo is not

a value. Beyond making a few privileged people feel like they’ve been

chosen by God, it makes no positive contribution to society whatsoever.

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The unwritten, oft hinted at “family values” that are used to beat up

freaks are bogus. They’ve got nothing to do with family, and you should

feel free to shatter them at will.

Here are some alternative outlaw values. The next time you’re faced with

an overwhelming problem, try this: 1. Pick out one or two values from this

list that would most quickly resolve the issue. 2. Pick out the identity from

Alternatives #42 and #43 that you could best use to implement that value. 3.

Take on that identity and implement your value.

Home/Paradox

Transformation

Service

Passion

Security

Faith

Sex

Control

Integrity

Anarchy

Seasons

Trust

Patience

Death

Art

Humor

Deconstruction

Dreams

The dark side

Unconditional love

Freedom

Mindful Reconstruction/

Home

90. BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN LAUGHTER.

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Laughter alone can make you feel better. Your body knows the truth of your

laughter and responds with a release of endorphins that makes you feel

great. Even if you are über-grouch or über-Goth, you have smiled and

laughed enough times during this lifetime for your body to know this: when

you smile or laugh, something is funny or pleasing, and that feels good.

Smile, right now. Go ahead. When I make myself smile when nothing is

particularly funny or pleasing, I can feel the echo in my body of fun and

pleasure. If this resonates at all for you, try any number of books on

laughter therapy, or check out www.teehee.com.

What kinds of things make you laugh? Keep a small notebook with you

and write them down. Put a star next to the ones that aren’t at anyone else’s

expense. Put two stars next to the ones that aren’t at your expense either. Do

a lot more of the two-star things than the one-star things. Do a lot more of

the one-star things than the no-star things. That’ll brighten up yer day.

91. BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN PARADOX.

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What is it that puzzles you most? Is there something going on in your life or

around you that doesn’t quite make sense? Confusion is how you know

you’re close to something big. Contradiction is how you know you’ve hit

the nail on the head. Some of the most loving people I know are intense

sadists. The most handsome man in my life has a vagina. I am neither a man

nor a woman, and I am both. Do you have that kind of stuff going on in

your life?

Have you ever followed your curiosity to two different parts of your life,

each of which makes sense on its own, but together, cancel one another out?

Coming to terms with your own paradox is a jim-dandy way to go on living.

STEP ONE: Experience paradox. Pick a question that interests you from the

following list. Each one will lead you to at least one pair of rational

opposite answers or opposite points of view, both of which are true.

Consider that pair of concepts until you can hold them in your mind as true,

both at the same time.

Are cats and dogs children of God?

Why are so many scary people, places, and things so tempting?

Why do good people do mean things?

Can someone be a bad person and still lead a good life?

Why is terrorism so prevalent in the world?

Is unconditional love possible?

Can someone be completely passionate and completely reasonable

at the same time?

What can account for the fact that the sixty-four hexagrams of the I

Ching bear striking similarities to the structure of the DNA that’s

inside every single living thing?

True or false: if you could stand on the edge of a black hole and

look back over your shoulder, you’d see all of time behind you.

Are heterosexual sex and homosexual sex both natural?

Why is it, do you suppose, that in a henhouse where there’s no

rooster, one of the chickens will begin crowing at dawn?

Are there friendly demons and nasty-tempered fairies?

Can justice be both blind and fair?

Can a person be popular and a freak at the same time?

Is time invariably linear?

Can people be patriots and disagree with or criticize their

government?

Can a person be attracted to both men and women and people who

are neither?

Can sex be really vulgar and really beautiful at the same time?

Are you both relieved and disappointed that we’ve come to the end

of these questions?

STEP TWO: Experience your own paradox. Work with any of the following

questions and concepts, each of which should lead you to some paradox

about yourself. Consider that paradox until you can hold it in your mind as

neither a good thing nor a bad thing about yourself.

Is there anything in your life that both gives you a great deal of joy

and gets you in the most trouble?

Do you find yourself having to be two nearly opposite kinds of

people in different situations or with different people?

Is there something about yourself that if you told people about it, it

would totally change their opinion about who and what you are?

When was the last time you laughed and cried at the same time?

Who is it that you never want to see again but wish you could give a

hug?

Why do some people think you’re really bad, even though you’re not

much of a mean person?

STEP THREE: Put your paradoxes into words. Paradoxes can be frustrating

to the degree that we are unable to communicate them to other people. Fill

in the blanks about yourself as many times as you care to:

I am being completely honest when I say that I am ______.

Am I ______ or ________?

I am both _____ and ______ and neither.

I simultaneously love and hate _____.

The last time I killed a part of myself, ______.

The next time I kill a part of myself, ______.

I’m alive because ______.

ARTSY MODE: Express your paradox in the art form of your choice.

92. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY.

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As peaceful and nonviolent as you’d like yourself to be, your life will

undoubtedly include fighting. You’re battling the people who think you’re

too fat or too poor or too girly or too butch, or that think you’re a terrorist

or a traitor. You’re battling the people who never give you a break and

always want more than you can possibly give. You’re battling injustice as

best as you know how. Or, you’re battling the traffic on the way home from

school or work. We all fight, and if you’re reading this book, chances are

you’re battle weary. You can only take on so much at any given time. The

question becomes, how do you choose your points of engagement?

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At what times in your life are you one of these marchers? And at what times

in your life are you the one they’re marching against?

Try this: List the battles you’re currently waging and prioritize them.

Which can be won the soonest and with the least effort? Pick the ones you

know you can win, and go out there and win them. Pick the hard ones that

are most important to you, and battle for them too, even if all odds are

against you.

And while all these battles are going on in your life, continually train

yourself as a warrior. When possible, learn patiently from an inspiring

teacher. Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu. You can download it for free.

Print a copy and carry it around with you. You want to be a leader? You will

be.

RECOMMENDED: A Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi, the films

Patton and Lawrence of Arabia, the TV series Firefly, and any of several

productions of Henry V by William Shakespeare.

93. BRING ON GOLIATH.

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David was a shepherd who wrote racy poetry. Goliath was a monstrously

strong, highly experienced warrior sent by the Philistine commanders to

challenge the Israelis over some part of the Middle East. Every day Goliath

would roar his humiliating challenge to the Israelites: “Where is there

among you a champion who will fight me on behalf of all of Israel?” Of

course, no one dared answer. For six days, the commanders of the Israeli

army faced humiliation as Goliath was daily met by silence, broken only by

his haughty laughter. But, on the seventh day, just as Goliath began to laugh

and turn away, dreamy hippie David stepped out in front of Goliath and

said, “I’ll take your challenge, Mister!”

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While Goliath was overcome by laughter, David calmly twirled his sling

and fired a rock into his head. Boom! Goliath was toppled, and David, the

poet and sheep lover, went on to become the King of Israel. Talk about

postmodern identity switching. What have you learned from all this?

You can do what David did. You’ve got a weapon, too: the perspective of

an outsider, which gives you the ability to see situations from multiple

points of view. Before you hurl the rock, first try turning your Goliath into

an ally. Failing that, what would it take to surprise, seduce, charm, or shock

your Goliath right between the eyes?

94. SPEAK WITH YOUR EARS.

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The chakras are energy centers located in the body. Eastern healers,

philosophers, and holy people have known them for thousands of years.

You may have heard of the Third Eye, located on your forehead, right

between your eyes. But there’s also the Third Ear. It’s an energy center

located in your throat. It’s called “the voice that listens.” You can hear a

voice that listens in folks like Terry Gross, Jon Stewart, Oprah Winfrey, Bill

Clinton, Ted Koppel, and dear Phil Donahue. Go, grasshopper, and practice

speaking with the voice that listens.

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95. PLAY TO A BROADER AUDIENCE.

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Have you got a message to get out to the world? Get it out there. You can

do it. Try the following:

1. First, practice getting your message across to people who already

agree with you. Do that for awhile, refining your message as you go.

2. Next, get your message out to people who might agree with you

because they have interests similar to yours. Do that for awhile,

refining as you go.

3. Then, practice getting your message across to people who disagree

with you on most everything. Do that for awhile, again, refining as

you go.

4. Now, compare the message you started with to the message you

ended up with. Refine your message so that you can still call it your

truth.

5. Repeat steps 1-4.

ART MODE: Do you want a larger audience for your art, but you don’t

want to sell out on your values? Apply the above five steps to the art form

that best allows you to express yourself. Keep modifying your art so that

more people are willing to experience it. You’re stretching the acceptance

level of your audience, and your audience is stretching your own level of

articulation. Ride the resilient edge of resistance. Keep your art as true to

yourself and your values as you can, and keep making your art more and

more accessible to more and more people.

96. TAKE A VOW OF SILENCE.

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When you stop speaking, you can hear what the world really sounds like.

You can use a vow of silence when it hurts too much to talk or whenever

you just want to listen for a while. You can take a vow of silence when

you’ve said what you feel is enough, and it’s time for someone else’s voice

to be heard.

Do some research on silence. Find out why holy people, musicians, and

artists take limited or permanent vows of silence. Apply what you find to

your own life or art, and take a vow of silence for two days.

OPTIONAL NEXT STEP: Combine a vow of silence with #7, Trash your

preference files and reboot. Reboot into #94, Speak with your ears. That

should make for a fun reset.

ZEN MODE: Silly rabbit, Zen is silence.

RECOMMENDED: Anything by John Cage.

97.TAKE A WALK IN THE WOODS.

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Nature isn’t something out there that grows food for us and supplies us with

building materials, and fuel and water. We are Nature, and if we separate

ourselves from what is natural for too long, some parts of ourselves may

begin to feel like they’re dying. Spending time with Nature is bound to

make you feel natural.

Spend some time in a park, alone or with a friend. Go to the seashore and

slide down some dunes. Hike a mountain trail, swim in a lake, or sunbathe

on top of a levee. Go snowboarding. But even if all you do is open a

window and breathe in the city air, some nature is better than none at all.

The time we spend plugged back into Nature reminds us that we are an

integral part of a complex ecosystem and that all of us are trying to survive

together under hellish circumstances. That’s something you can forget if

you live in a city or if the Nature you’re spending your time in is too well

manicured. Working in Nature gives us a body memory of what it’s like to

be connected to the earth. Resting in Nature reminds us how easy it is to

feel healed and nourished, if only for a moment.

CONFINED-TO-BED MODE: Watch as many nature documentaries as you

possibly can.

RAINY-DAY ACTIVITY: Walk in the rain without a hat, wig, umbrella, or

raincoat.

ZEN MODE: Let the woods walk through you.

98. LEARN MODERATION IN ALL THINGS.

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Taking your own life is rarely a moderate thing to do, so this is pretty much

a surefire alternative to killing yourself. But this is also the most difficult

and frightening alternative in the book, because it brings you face-to-face

with every monster and demon you’ve ever had to deal with: all the

extremes of you. It is possible for you to make peace with all of that.

335

Begin your learning by doing anything more moderately. It’s easier to

initiate with a moderate action than it is to respond with a moderate action.

As children, we learned that the way to respond to an extreme point of view

is with an opposing and at least equally extreme point of view. That kind of

reasoning says that when someone is shouting at you, you shout back as

least as loud. Don’t do that any more. Find another way to respond, a way

that doesn’t push back so hard against whatever it is that life is tossing at

you.

ADVANCED MODE: Sooner or later in your travels through the horrors of

learning moderation, you’re going to realize that learning moderation in all

things means learning to be moderate with moderation itself. It’s Nature’s

way of saying thank you for being good.

RECOMMENDED: Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. I’m a big fan of the Stephen

Mitchell translation. But visit your nearest woo-woo book resource and pick

one that pings with you.

99. MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH DEATH.

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No one alive knows what death is. No one alive can even prove the exact

moment that death takes place. I truly don’t mean any disrespect, but what

the fuck is your rush?

You can live and die more or less at peace with your life and death, or

you can live and die more or less in agony over your life and death. It’s

totally up to you, and it’s not easy for anyone. Even if you’re an

accomplished peacemaker, it’s an entirely different challenge to make peace

with the unknown.

338

Try this: Write down all the reasons you want to die. Each one of those

reasons is bringing you closer to dying, so solving each one of those

reasons is going to bring you closer to life. Solving each one of those issues

while you’re still alive is your life’s to-do list. Do the easiest one first, and

then the next, and then the next. As you solve all your reasons for dying, it

gets easier to live. And this lets Death do her work in her own time, which

could be a whole lot better time than the time you were considering for

yourself.

100. TIDY YOUR CAMPSITE BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

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340

YG/ASS

We can build up a lot of resentments and regrets moving from identity to

identity, exploring desire after desire, and practicing with varying degrees

of power. If we don’t clean up after ourselves, we can leave quite a series of

messes. The fair and honorable thing is to tidy up all your messes before

you leave an identity, location, or station in life. But just like in the movies,

we all sometimes have to pack up and leave town in a hurry, and we don’t

have time to clean up. Try your best to clean up before you leave anything,

and don’t even think about killing yourself until you’re very, very good at

this.

POST-FACTO MODE: Can you tidy your campsite in retrospect?

Absolutely. Try the twelve-step style fearless personal inventory of all your

deeds, then share that inventory with another person and make amends

wherever possible. If that’s too hard, say a sincere “I’m sorry.”

101. TRY TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE ALIVE.

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Dear Heart,

If you’re considering this alternative to taking your own life, you’ve

certainly been there and done plenty. Bless your heart, you’re alive and

kicking, and there’s someone who could gain a great deal of strength and

hope from hearing your story. With your heavily notated copy of Hello,

Cruel World under your arm, you are ready to go out there and save some

lives. Keep in mind that the best you can ever do is try. It’s never your fault

if you try to save someone’s life and they kill themselves anyway. Whether

or not you’re successful, you’ll release a great deal of good energy into the

world. A lot of people all around you will feel better, whether or not they

know that you had something to do with it. That’s something you can enjoy.

There are plenty of suicide-prevention foundations that could use

volunteers. You could get training as a counselor. Maybe there’s a suicide

hotline you could help staff. Maybe it’s time to set one up in your area. Or

maybe you just need to spend an evening talking with a friend. Enjoy life

while you’re doing that. I did, as best I could, while I was writing this book

for you.

Thank you for the opportunity to contribute to your life span. I expect

you’ll make very good use of your extra years. And since I really don’t like

good-byes, I’ll say, hello, cruel world. I believe it’s a much better place for

your being in it.

Love and respect always,

Kate

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P.S.—if you were in this picture, who would you be? I’m just curious.

345

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

KATE BORNSTEIN is one of America’s most original and thought-

provoking authors and performance artists. The spunky insight of her wildly

successful publications Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us

and My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the

Real You, or Something Else Entirely has revolutionized the way the world

thinks about gender and identity. Assigned one gender at birth, but now

living life as something else entirely, Kate identifies as neither a man nor a

woman. Her books are taught in more than 120 colleges and universities

around the world, and she has performed on college campuses, and in

theaters and performance spaces, across the United States, as well as in

Canada, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Austria.

In 1996, Kate released Nearly Roadkill: An Infobahn Erotic Thriller with

co-author Caitlin Sullivan. She is a contributor to the anthology Live

Through This: On Creativity and Self-Destruction, and is now working on

her upcoming memoir, Kate Bornstein is a Queer and Pleasant Danger.

Kate currently lives with her partner, the sex pioneer, writer, and

performance artist Barbara Carrellas, in New York City.

SARA QUIN is one part of the musical duo Tegan and Sara. She wears her

pants too short, her shirts extra long, and travels with far too many bags to

be even remotely organized. She always wanted to be a lawyer, but was

easily persuaded into a life of rock and roll after high school. On rainy cold

days, she likes to argue politics, human rights issues and cultivate her

infatuation with Naomi Klein and bicycles.

For more on Kate and Hello, Cruel World, please visit

www.hellocruelworld.net.

BONUS!

HELLO, CRUEL NOTE PAGES

(Use these pages to write down notes, secret messages, or love letters to

yourself. Oh, go on!)

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Bornstein, Kate, 1948-

Hello, cruel world : 101 alternatives to suicide for teens, freaks, and other outlaws / by Kate

Bornstein.

p. cm.

Includes indexes.

eISBN : 978-1-583-22966-8

1. Teenagers—Suicidal behavior—Prevention. 2. Adolescent psychology. 3. Self-help techniques for

teenagers. 4. Sexual minorities—Psychology. 5. Minority teenagers—Psychology. I. Title.

HV6546.B67 2006

616.85’844505—dc22

2006004973

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Author photo by Dona Ann McAdams